


Vegan?

by MelodramaticMrTails



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Blood and Gore, Cannibalism, M/M, Masochism, Past Domestic Violence, Past Drug Use, Serious Injuries, Sexual Content, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 03:44:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6549196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodramaticMrTails/pseuds/MelodramaticMrTails
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's really just a fact of life for Ryan now; his boyfriend eats people. That doesn't bother him. What bothers him is getting caught by the FAKE crew and jumped into whatever mess of a gang they call themselves. Perhaps they should have listened a little better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vegan?

Four of them, all relatively small. Ryan typically doesn't like having to take on more than one but it's been a slow night and if he doesn't grab someone soon, he's not going to have anything to bring home. Already a woman got away from him earlier. He got a good jab at her, though, and Ryan is certain she died, but he has no idea where her body ended up. Very annoying.

Realistically, he only needs to grab one of these four. The others will likely flee and he'll have enough time to make his way home before cops start showing up. He's been doing this a while; he has a good grasp on how it works.

"I don't like this," one murmurs faintly.

"Oh, don't be a baby," another assures. "There's nothing to be worried about." Hanging out in a mostly abandoned and severely neglected building leaves a lot of things to worry about. Ryan is one of those things. With his mask in place and knife in hand, he leaves his hiding place in the shadows and approaches the room the lot of them loiter in. They notice him almost immediately.

"It's him!" one of them yelps. They all back up instinctively as Ryan blocks their only entrance and exit. He only needs one; the short one will do. As Ryan closes in on them, the door behind him snaps shut.

"Nice of you to finally show yourself, you fucking freak." Admittedly, the young man who'd been hiding behind the door catches Ryan a little off guard. He peers over his shoulder just a touch. Five he can handle. What he can't handle is the gun pointed at him. Man he hates guns. Slowly, Ryan raises his hands to assure he's not going to do anything. What an odd trap.

The four people he had followed into the building drop their nervous act immediately for a calmer, more pleased aura. Five against one and they still had to bring a gun. One of them takes his knife away and Ryan lowers his hands just a touch.

"Hey! Keep them up there!" their gunslinger barks irritably. Ryan reluctantly raises his hands. "So you're the son of a bitch that's been killing off our crew."

Probably. Ryan doesn't make a habit of targeting a specific set of people but sometimes that's hard. Not a lot of people fit into that 'perfect' category. Still, he is fairly sure he's done a decent job of staying away from any gang members. Either he's wrong or they have the wrong guy. He bought this mask at a retail store; another person very easily could be committing similar crimes in the same mask.

"Why have you been targeting the FAKE crew?" the lad demands. Ryan doesn't say anything. He hasn't. Angry at his silence, the lad takes several steps towards him and presses the gun against his throat, right beneath the edge of his mask. "Nothing to say, huh? You better be a fucking mute, then."

"Who the fuck is the FAKE crew?" Ryan says blandly. He's never even heard of them before. Then again, he's tried to stay away from any and all gang activity since the falling out with Thadeus. That was a brutal time.

"Real fucking funny," the lad snaps and he shoves his gun into Ryan's neck hard enough to make him tilt his head back. Ryan looks at the ceiling.

"Really, I don't know who you are," Ryan assures. "I haven't been targeting you. Not intentionally, anyways. Obviously if I don't know who you are, I can't say for certain."

"Yeah? You really think that sorry excuse is gonna fly?" the lad growls. Ryan already regrets not just going home tonight. Empty handed would have been better than this.

"I have somewhere to be," Ryan murmurs. "Can I go?"

"Can he go?" the lad laughs. "He wants to go." Without warning, Ryan is struck hard in the face by a solid fist. For such a small guy, he packs a hell of a punch. Completely unprepared, Ryan is thrown to the floor by the force and the inside of his mask hits against his face painfully. Blood drips from his nose.

"And here I thought we were just starting to be friends," Ryan comments halfly.

"Oh man, he's still conscious? Wow," one of them says. "That's a first." This isn't acceptable judging by the way he's hit again, much harder, in the side of the head. This time, he is knocked unconscious. Ryan's glad he doesn't have to work tomorrow.

When he finally comes to, Ryan is very discombobulated. That's typically what happens when someone is punched unconscious but Ryan feels he handles it well enough. His nose feels broken but aside from that, he's uninjured. For now, anyways. He's also tied to a chair with his arms behind his back and a rope around his throat. None of this is exactly great for him.

The lad from earlier is there along with three others Ryan's never seen before. The four that had acted as bait earlier are nowhere to be seen but this new group looks a lot more intimidating though that could just be because he’s tied up now. Still, Ryan probably wouldn't have tried his hand at attacking one of them. Well, maybe the blond one.

"You're awake," one of them says and Ryan looks at him calmly. He's not sure what happened to his mask but honestly, them seeing his face is the last of his concerns right now. "We got some questions for you."

"I hope they're science and nature questions," Ryan murmurs. "Mostly science."

"You don't understand what's going on here, do you?" the gent demands. He looks tired, even more than Ryan does, and when he comes close, he smells of liquor and regret. Ryan has never seen this man before in his life.

"Do you have the time?" Ryan asks curiously.

"What?" come the irritated response.

"The time," Ryan repeats. "I just went out to grab something to eat. My boyfriend will be looking for me."

"Yeah? And you decided to take a detour to kill a few of my workers?" he scoffs.

"I still have no idea who you guys are," Ryan says with a faint sigh. The gent grabs the rope around his throat and yanks it hard, cutting off his air all at once.

"You might want to think real hard about that, baby. Are you sure you have no idea who we are?" he urges suggestively. Weirdly enough, not breathing doesn't jog his memory. Ryan sucks in a harsh breath when he's given the chance, panting as he tries to even his breathing again.

"Mr. Herman?" Ryan offers. He's not the only one that finds it funny, someone else laughs, but he's hit in the face again anyways. Alright, now he's starting to get a little agitated. He shakes his head, causing some blood to fall from his face, and glares up at the gent sourly. "Why don't you just tell me who you are, hm? Then maybe we can both move forward with our lives."

"I'm Geoff fucking Ramsey, you idiot," he snaps. "Leader of the FAKE AH crew. Now who are you and who the fuck do you work for." That sounds familiar, sure. Ryan isn't sure where from, though. He's sure it's a name he's only heard in passing on the news if anything.

"Uh, Ryan Haywood and Blue Haven LS," he answers. Unlike Geoff, Ryan doesn't expect them to know who he is. He's a nobody and apparently so are they. Geoff leans into him closely and while it's likely to try and intimidate him, Ryan is just vaguely uncomfortable. He just smells so awfully like booze, it’s truly incredible.

"Never heard of Blue Haven before, either. The fuck do they have against us?" he demands. Ryan isn't sure what to say.

"Uh," another gent mentions from the background. "Geoff, I'm pretty sure that's a company that installs pools." Geoff looks over his shoulder at her for a moment then glares at Ryan coldly.

"You're real cute, you know that?" he growls. Ryan presses his lips together with a curious expression.

"Thanks? I'm not sure how I feel about that," he answers mildly. Geoff strikes him in the face again.

"You gonna tell me who you work for or am I gonna have to get Michael in on this?" he warns. It would probably be a better threat if Ryan had any idea who that was. Behind him, the lad from earlier cracks his knuckles so Ryan assumes he's Michael.

"I never got the time, by the way," Ryan mentions. "I don't want him to come looking for me."

"What if he doesn't work for another gang?" the blond lad asks. "Maybe he's just completely mental?"

"Oh what? And that's better?" Michael scoffs angrily. "If he's a serial killer, all the more reason to chuck him in the fucking ocean or something." Ryan doesn't say anything. Geoff considers it only momentarily before he's digging through Ryan's pocket to find his phone. He stands up straight as he browses through it with a suspicious squint. Ryan doesn't use his phone much but what few numbers he has in it should confirm he just does manual labour. No comment on the serial killer thing.

"One," Geoff says. "You get one text to your boyfriend. No funny business, alright?" How weirdly nice.

"Sure, sure," Ryan agrees.

"Is he, uh, 'super mega homo gay'?" Geoff questions awkwardly.

"Probably," Ryan answers shortly. He should probably stop letting his boyfriend play with his phone. On the other hand, Ryan hopes getting kidnapped by a gang isn't going to happen very often.

"Alright, go. And keep it short, asshole," Geoff grumbles. Ryan nods.

"Mm, 'went out to grab dinner. Ran into some trouble. Please god send help Geoff fucking Ramsey is torturing me'," he says. Geoff stops typing halfway through to lower the mobile and look at Ryan unamused.

"You really think this is a joke, don't you?" Geoff says with a sarcastic little smirk. "Alright, buddy. I see how this is going to go. Here Jack, text Ryan's little boyfriend here." He passes the phone to the other gent and she takes it with mute reluctance.

"I would not suggest using the term 'SOS'," Ryan insists. "That's our 'I'm in trouble, send help' word."

"Michael," Geoff says and nods his head over. Michael grins.

"You know, I really don't know what you want from me," Ryan reminds them as Michael picks up the knife they had confiscated from him earlier. He's really not that worried. Something like this was bound to happen eventually, after all. Ryan's not sure if this is better or worse than being caught by the police, though.

"Just tell us why you're killing FAKE members," Geoff assures simply. Ryan tilts his head away a bit as Michael makes a cut across his cheek. Harshly, his head is pulled right again by the rope and he chokes out a strangled noise. This is all just really unpleasant.

"Once again, it wasn't intentional," Ryan promises. He hasn't lied about anything so far. He hasn't had a reason to.

"See, that's not a satisfying answer," Geoff says as he crosses his arms over his chest. "You understand why we wouldn't believe that, right?" The truth is stranger than fiction, sure. Michael grabs the collar of his shirt with more force than necessary and rips it open down his chest with a jerk of the knife. It knicks his stomach at the bottom and Ryan flinches automatically. Michael stops.

"Uh," he says quietly, glancing over Ryan's chest. Ryan shrugs a bit.

"He's a rough lover, okay?" he assures simply. The scars like bite marks and cuts too systematic to be accidental emboss his skin with little rhythm or reason. Michael looks at Geoff questioningly. "Hey, there's nothing wrong with a little knifeplay."

"Oh, Jesus Christ," Geoff sighs, agitation heavy in his voice. "Fucking freak is a maso! No wonder this isn't working, his dick's probably hard!"

"God no," Ryan says exasperatedly. "This might be one of the least sexy things that's ever happened to me. Unless that means you'll let me go in which case, my dick's so hard. Hit me again. Choke me some more, please, please." Michael backs away a little, holding his knife awkwardly between his hands.

"I don't think I want to do this," he murmurs apprehensively. "Shit got weird."

"Oh, come on," Ryan persuades in the silkiest voice he can manage. "I love it. Cut me again. I'm almost there, Michael, please."

"You shut up," Geoff snaps at him sourly. "If we can't torture you, we'll just find another way to make you talk. You wouldn't mind if we took a little visit to see your boyfriend, right?"

"You put a hand on him and I'll burn this entire city to the ground," Ryan warns sharply. He stands without thinking about it, bringing the chair he's tied to with him and with it, the nails that had pinned it down. Michael takes another precautionary step back just to be out of the way.

"Whoa," the blond lad laughs nervously. "Let's calm down now. No need to do anything rash."

"Shut the fuck up, Gavin," Michael snaps. Ryan throws himself back down again, slouching back in his chair as much as it will allow him to. Messing with him is one thing. Then again, they'll be in for a hell of a surprise if they so much as try to pull one over on his boyfriend. After the problem with Thadeus, he's been on edge around anyone even remotely resembling a gang member and for good reason.

♪ Microwave your Macbook pro ♪

They all look in Jack's direction and Ryan sighs quietly. He's really not sure why he ever trusts his boyfriend with his phone to be honest.

"Alleged boyfriend calling," Jack informs. "What do you want to do?"

"Answer it," Geoff says without hesitation. He points at Ryan suddenly. "You're going to play along, you understand. If I think anything is up, you and he are both-" he makes a hard gesture across his throat signifying death. Ryan isn't interested in 'playing along' but fortunately or otherwise, their goals align. He doesn't want his boyfriend worried about him and certainly doesn't want to make him think Ryan can't handle things.

Jack walks towards him and she holds the phone out close enough so he won't sound like it's on speaker. Ryan gives her an unhappy look but it's quickly diverted to Michael who holds the knife at his throat threateningly.

"Hi dear," Ryan says calmly when she hits answer.

"Ryan?" comes the unsure reply. "Are you okay, man? You've been gone a while."

"I'm alright," Ryan promises. "Worked called and asked me to do some last minute things for them. I didn't get anything to eat, I'm afraid."

"It's like nine at night," he scoffs. "What the fuck do they want?"

"Don't worry about it, dear. I don't know when I'll be home, though. There's some leftovers in the fridge for tonight," Ryan explains. "You'll be okay?"

"I guess," he huffs faintly. "Man, that dildo got here and I was excited and everything. They always ask you to work on the worse days." Ryan clears his throat loudly.

"You're on speaker, dear," he alerts before any more rambling can come forth. There's a quiet pause.

"Oh," he says. "I'm gonna hang up now."

"Goodnight. Love you, dear," Ryan says affectionately. He hangs up. Behind them, Gavin bursts into laughter. It wasn't that funny. It wasn't funny at all, actually.

"He sounds- cute," Jack murmurs with a smile that's trying its best not to be laughter.

"I will rip your teeth out and put them in Gavin's mouth," Ryan guarantees. She stops smiling.

"You're less cute," she says.

"If everyone's love interests are out of the way," Geoff says loudly to bring the topic back at hand. "I still want some fucking answers, Haywood."

"I've answered everything you asked," Ryan reminds him irritably. Michael presses the blade further into his skin and Ryan looks at him out the corner of his eye. "Really, Michael. That's not doing anything. It's like you're lightly dusting me with feathers, you can give it a rest."

"Your smart ass mouth is really starting to piss me off," Michael growls.

"So you're just a sociopath, that's what you want to go with?" Geoff asks. "You're killing just to kill, huh?" That's not what Ryan said.

"I don't like that word," he says sourly.

"I don't fucking care if you like it, you _fucking psychopath_ , I want to know why you're going around killing my fucking workers!" Geoff shouts at him in frustration. Ryan's temper is starting to run short here. He watches Geoff coldly as he very deliberately considers his words.

"It puts food on the table," Ryan informs shortly.

"So someone is paying you," Geoff sneers. That's not what Ryan said. Before he can get a word in, Geoff is motioning him to be quiet. This should easily give Ryan every reason not to be but he manages to bite his tongue while Geoff answers his vibrating phone.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm in the middle of something," he says and shoots Ryan an irritated look. He looks away suddenly. "What? No? Move your plane means move your fucking shit piece of aircraft before I move it for you- no I'm not gonna move it for you! I'm gonna blow it the hell up!" Jack and Michael exchange looks as Geoff paces towards the door. Ryan raises an unamused brow as she looks at him. Yeah, he's still here.

"Hold- shut the fuck up, hold on," Geoff snaps. He holds his phone to his chest as he nods at Jack. "I have to handle this. Deal with him." He points at Ryan harshly before returning to his phone call and making for the door. "Listen asshole, if you don't get your shitty ass titan ripoff out of my hanger-"

"Okay," Jack says slowly as Geoff disappears. Isn't this a lovely way to treat their guest. Ryan almost feels insulted. "Glad that happened."

"Let me guess, this throws off your bad cop, good cop ratio. That's really too bad," Ryan comments. In retaliation, Michael stabs him in the shoulder. Violently, Ryan jerks forward in pain and the rope holds him back. That hurt a little! Once the initial shock wears off, though, it's more of a discomfort than pain. He's been stabbed worse before.

"Not getting off on this anymore, are you?" Michael asks smugly. Ryan bitterly bites back the reminder that he wasn't getting off on it in the first place. "Tell us who's paying you."

"No one," Ryan snaps. "I never said anyone was paying me."

"You changed your tone real fast there," Michael sneers as he yanks the knife free. Ryan cringes naturally under the gesture and tries to shift himself to stop some of the bleeding. It's hard to do with his hands tied. Michael twirls the tip against his thigh, only pressing down hard enough to puncture Ryan's jeans. "Let's see what else you'll say."

"Michael," Jack says firmly. Michael looks at her unhappily but he pulls the knife away all the same and twirls it around his fingers. Ryan watches her quietly. "You need money, then?" Not really. He lives a pretty cozy life right now to be honest. However, it sounds like she wants to make a deal and a deal may be the only way he gets out of here.

"Why?" Ryan questions back suspiciously.

"It took us this long to catch you because we didn't know you were killing," Jack explains. "Couldn't find the bodies."

"We figured they were fleeing the country or something," Gavin assures.

"Why the fuck are you two telling him this?" Michael barks. Their 'good cop, bad cop' really is off kilter now.

"Only reason we figured it out was because one of them was wearing a wire when you attacked him," she says. Ryan remembers that. He had ditched the mic as soon as he found it but obviously it had been too late by then. At least Ryan can say for a fact they hadn't heard much; he hadn't said much.

"What about it?" Ryan murmurs. Now he's curious as to where this is going.

"Well," Jack says. "We don't want you to kill our crew anymore and you need to keep food on the table. If you dispose of some bodies for us, maybe we give you some money and this stops being an issue."

"What‽" Michael snaps. "Geoff said-"

"Geoff's an idiot," Jack answers abruptly. "How does that sound, Ryan?" Honestly, Ryan still isn't completely sure he's the one responsible for their crew disappearing but he can't say he's not, either. It sounds easy. At any rate, he wouldn't have to go out every few nights looking for easy pickings.

"I can only manage two a week," Ryan informs. "Things start backing up beyond that. And they have to be fresh."

"Fresh?" Michael huffs irritably. "What the fuck do you mean 'fresh'? Are you fucking eating them, what does it matter?"

"Yeah, alright," Jack agrees. "We can work with that. If we bring them alive, can you manage?"

"Even better," Ryan assures. This deal is skewed heavily in his favour but she doesn't seem to know that and Ryan isn't interested in telling her. He's pretty bitter about this whole situation, really.

"Fucking freak," Michael scoffs, shaking his head. As Jack approaches, Ryan shifts a bit to get his footing about him. She unties his hands and Ryan undoes the rope around his neck immediately. He is so painfully relieved to be untied. Jack holds his phone out for him to take. Unsurely, Ryan looks at it then Michael then Gavin and then back to Jack. None of them seem interested in lunging at him so Ryan takes his mobile.

"We'll be in touch," Jack promises. Ryan takes a moment to send a quick text to his boyfriend. Normally he’d just call, texting isn’t quite his forte, but now doesn’t seem like a good time for that. He pops his phone back into his pocket and as he stands, warily gives them another once over. These guys are either the biggest fools in Los Santos or- no, no, that’s pretty much it.

“Right,” Ryan says halfly. “So, uh, where is this exactly?”

“We did sort of grab him from out of nowhere,” Gavin admits.

“I’ll call you a cab,” Jack assures with a small nod. Ryan figures they’re going to find out where he lives very quickly but he’s already told his boyfriend he’s going to be a while so he might as well at least try not to come home empty handed. Besides, if she’s paying for a cab he’s going to take advantage of it.

“Thanks, I guess,” Ryan murmurs. “Torture aside?”

“Oh yeah, like you weren’t enjoying it,” Michael scoffs. For some strange reason, Ryan thinks he’s going to milk this for all it’s worth.

“Can you behave for two seconds?” Jack sighs, gesturing to Michael suggestively. Michael huffs. Idiots.

\- x -

The only warning Ryan gets before his new best friends show up at his house is a short text from an unfamiliar number reading ‘bringing a body’. Fortunately, his boyfriend isn’t home at the moment and isn’t expecting to be home for quite some time. He’s often dragged off to long jobs but the pay is good and he is usually rather adept at keeping himself safe. Ryan tries not to worry about him too much and he really has no reason to in the first place; his boyfriend has never given him a reason to worry.

Which is exactly why Ryan hopes not to give him a reason to worry, either. If his boyfriend found out he had been caught by a gang, he’ll probably be pretty upset. Ryan had it under control, but still. If these idiots could grab him, who else could? It wasn’t just a fluke, either, Ryan had unwisely wandered directly into a bad trap. He really must be losing his edge.

There’s a single knock at the door and then a heavy ‘thump’ of something bumping into the door. Ryan pauses his chopping of vegetables and withholds a sigh. The cursing that follows is a familiar voice. What has he gotten himself into.

“It’s fuckin’ locked!” comes the annoyed yell. Ryan sets his knife down to, unfortunately, let them in. Sure enough, it’s Michael’s angry face that greets him first, a limp body heaved over his shoulder in a non discreet bag. Ryan moves out of the way to let him in. Fortunately the neighbors know better by now than to run their mouths about what happens in the Narvaez house but it probably is for the best to not let a bunch of gang members stand on his porch with an obvious dead body.

And, sure enough, the entire crew had to come. Geoff follows Michael close behind, then Gavin, and Jack follows up carrying another body. Did they really have to bring two at once? That’s going to be a pain. As Ryan goes to close the door behind her, another lad hurriedly pops in and grins up at him. Ryan recognises him as the bait from before. The lot of them look around curiously.

“I’m- surprised, actually,” Jack murmurs as she drops the heavy body with a thud in the middle of his living room.

“No shit,” Michael agrees quietly. “It’s like white suburban family up in here.”

“Yeah,” Geoff scoffs. “Life would be a lot easier if all the serial killers in the world would paint their living rooms with blood and skulls.” Ryan makes an interested face. That would be cool, actually. He’s pretty sure his boyfriend wouldn’t approve of that, though. “Where do you keep the booze?”

“I don’t,” Ryan answers shortly. “I’m glad you stopped by, I’ll show you to the door.”

“We just got here!” Gavin assures as he tosses himself down on the couch and grabs for the remote.

“Yeah!” the other agrees as he hops onto the couch with Gavin. “We can't leave now!”

“We want to meet your boyfriend,” Jack grins at him.

“If you’re gonna be working for us, we might as well get to know you,” Geoff agrees with a forced, annoyed grin. Obviously he and Jack didn’t discuss this before hand very well. It’s unfortunate Ryan is the one paying for it.

“He’s not here,” Ryan says shortly and gestures to the door again.

“We can wait,” Michael promises. “Where should I put this?” He hikes the body over his shoulder up a bit and Ryan sighs. The neighbors are going to ask so many questions. Ryan was just starting to convince them that he and his boyfriend were just a nice, normal family, too. There goes that.

“Just anywhere is fine,” Ryan assures with a small shake of the head. Michael immediately drops it where he’s standing right on top of the other one. At least this covers meals for the next week. It’s almost worth the irritation of having to deal with them again. Geoff sits himself on the couch beside Gavin and immediately peers into the cookie jar perched in the middle of the coffee table. He helps himself to one without asking.

“You don’t-” Ryan begins half heartedly and Geoff gives him a sharp look daring to be refused. It’s then that Ryan recalls the knife wound he still has and the bruises around his neck and face that had been particularly hard to explain to his boyfriend without raising any suspicion. ‘Got tangled at work’ wasn’t nearly as convincing as he thought it would be especially with a broken nose. A little bone and blood never hurt anyone.

“Ooh, cookies,” Gavin hums gladly, helping himself to one as well.

“Hey, this isn’t bad,” Geoff compliments almost sincerely. This, of course, prompts the other three to help themselves to one as well. “Your boyfriend must be a good cook.”

“I made them,” Ryan assures. His boyfriend isn’t allowed in the kitchen after the ‘hot cereal’ incident.

“You’re such a weird fucking dude,” Geoff murmurs with a shake of the head.

“Because I bake?” Ryan scoffs irritably.

“Because you’re also a serial killer!” comes the sharp reply. Ryan doesn’t say anything.

“Wow, these are actually really good,” Jack says in amusement. That shouldn’t be surprising. He is an excellent cook. They can’t even tell these cookies are made with people.

“I’m glad you think so,” Ryan replies sarcastically. “Why don’t you take the rest with you? I can make more.” He did try to warn them they were cannibal cookies. It’s not his fault they didn’t listen. Or that they’re fucking assholes.

“So are you just like, a house husband or what?” Michael asks with actual curiosity, taking another cookie to munch on.

“I don’t know what that means,” Ryan assures flatly.

“Like, you do all the cooking and cleaning while you’re boyfriend makes the dough,” Geoff explains, making a ‘money’ gesture with one hand. Ryan doesn’t like what they’re suggesting.

“He usually does the cleaning but besides that, I guess,” he agrees blandly.

“Huh,” the short fellow nods agreeably. “He must be some kind of dude. This him?” He gestures to a picture perched on a side table, mumbling through a mouthful of cookie.

“No,” Ryan answers flatly.

“Uh, that his dad or something?” he asks.

“Dude that's fucking Terry Crews,” Michael scoffs. “Why do you have a picture of Terry Crews?”

“I thought he looked familiar,” the lad murmurs.

“Every time I try to put a picture of us up, my boyfriend replaces it,” Ryan answers simply. “It's easier to leave it alone.” Geoff glances at a picture on the wall with a strange expression like he's just now realising it's a stock photo of a family with Nick Cage pasted over all their faces. He looks back at Ryan, popping another bit of cookie into his mouth.

“He's definitely some kind of dude,” Geoff agrees. Ryan doesn’t think he likes what Geoff is suggesting, either. However, he decides not to make an issue about it. It's just not worth it. Instead, he picks up one of the body bags by the end and drags it into the kitchen to begin dealing with it. He didn’t know they'd bring two bodies so soon. Fortunately his boyfriend is a pretty hearty eater and hopefully there won't be too much waste. Gavin pops up immediately to follow him into the kitchen and the rest of the gang follows like a herd.

“So how do you do it?” Gavin asks. “Like, incineration or what?” Ryan stares at him irritably but he doesn't say anything, instead simply going about his business like he doesn’t have company. “Aaalright. You're weird.” They settle themselves around the bar top island and loiter around the table, noisily poking through and examining some of his stuff.

“A psychopath can't give away all his secrets,” Geoff murmurs. Ryan tenses and stops in the middle of opening the body bag. He gives Geoff a cold glare.

“ _Don’t_ call me that,” he says firmly. Geoff seems to stiffen his jaw, perhaps not entirely pleased at Ryan’s tone or maybe just not expecting it. Instead, he just raises his eyebrows like he's amused and says nothing else. Oh, Ryan sees them getting along real well. Tattoo ink never cooks up well. Ryan grabs a pair of scissors and a black bag to start cutting the clothes off the body and pretends the five of them aren't blantly watching him work.

“Gross, why do they have to be naked?” Gavin questions. Again, Ryan ignores him. His boyfriend will ditch the clothes and scrap at work later or if he isn't planning on going out for a while, Ryan takes them to work to properly dispose of. No one in Los Santos looks for missing people very long anyways. The police force around here is laughable at best- fortunately and otherwise. He ties the feet together to hoist up onto a hook on the wall and the gang jolts a little. Ryan kicks a basin under the hanging body and grabs a clean kitchen knife from a drawer.

“Perhaps you should, um, close the blinds?” Jack offers politely. He gives her a half look before severing the jugular with perhaps more violence than necessary and blood very rapidly begins to drain out. It seems previous injuries have already let some of the blood but fortunately, there doesn't seem to be any clotting yet. Hopefully they won't make it a habit of bringing aged bodies. That's so much more work than required.

“One way windows,” Ryan comments off handedly as he fetches a vial and swab from a cabinet. “It's the only way to get any privacy around here.” Jack blinks, looking at the windows a moment before looking back.

“That's- smart, actually,” she compliments.

“I know,” Ryan replies. “It was my idea.” He's been doing this a lot longer than they've been onto him. Three or four years now? It doesn't seem like that long. Ryan takes a swab of blood to test now and a vial to save for later if he needs it. Some looking into his boyfriend's genetics has assured him he has a natural immunity to some of the less than friendly diseases a person can get from eating other people but there's still the very real concern of just regular ol diseases. The people of Los Santos aren't exactly the cleanest or wisest, either.

“Oh good, he keeps trophies,” Geoff murmurs sarcastically. “Real grade A guy you hired, Jack.”

“What's that for?” the short lad asks as he watches Ryan drop the swab into a clear solution that, fortunately, turns a safe colour. “Looks neat!”

“Making sure it's clean,” Ryan answers blandly.

“The fuck does that matter?” Michael scoffs.

“Because I don't feel like contracting an incurable disease by accidentally cutting myself while working on your contaminated bodies,” Ryan replies with ever shortening patience. He knows what he's doing. He labels the vial and puts it away for now until he can get it in the safe with the rest. With warm water, he scrubs his hands and his knife clean in the sink so he can return to what he was doing before he'd been rudely interrupted. He'll have to deal with the other body soon but there's just not enough room to bleed them both out at once. Ryan dries his hands and makes sure to mop up any stray blood before continuing with his cooking.

“It's not weird to you doing this in the kitchen?” the little one asks. Ryan glances at the dangling body before turning back to the project at hand. His boyfriend requested sausage when he got home so that's what he's doing. Perhaps he should try blood sausage- he's going to have a lot of it now.

“Not really,” Ryan assures, chopping his vegetables without a care. Honestly, sometimes the only way he can get his boyfriend to eat something besides meat is by hiding it in meat. He's ridiculous sometimes.

“How's your boyfriend feel about this anyways?” Gavin asks. They just have a million and one questions don't they? Ryan can't say he's all that thrilled to amuse them but he feels like he doesn’t have much of a choice right now.

“He gets to eat,” Ryan shrugs. “Why would he care?”

“You're killing people in your kitchen,” Geoff reminds him pointedly. Again, Ryan matches his cold look irritably.

“I didn’t kill either of these people,” he promises. “But by all means, why don't you talk a little louder. I don't think the next neighborhood heard you.”

“So!” Jack says quickly, obviously sensing the animosity between them. “What are you making anyways? It looks good.”

“Sausage,” Ryan answers flatly.

“I could go for some sausage,” Geoff agrees as he props his feet up on the table. “You're one of those pretty ‘pinterest’ gays, aren’t you? Making your own sausage like a good little house husband.”

“Geoff,” Jack scolds sharply. Ryan glares at him. Again, he looks to the dangling body before shrugging nonchalantly.

“Don’t worry about it,” he promises. “My boyfriend isn’t going to be home tonight and I'm a vegetarian so there's _plenty_ to go around.”

“You don’t have to do that Ryan,” Jack assures.

“No, no,” Ryan urges with a light laugh. “It's my pleasure. Really.” Who is he to refuse someone asking for food, after all?

“O-oh. Well, that's- nice of you,” Jack smiles nervously. Ryan doubts they'll wise up any time soon. No, she's surely worried he'll poison them or something. Not that he hasn’t thought of it but that would be a waste of good meat.

“Does Ryan kinda scare you?” Gavin whispers to Michael. “Cause he kind of scares me.”

“You said you're vegan?” the small one questions, at least attempting to be friendly. “Like, not because you don't like killing animals, right?”

“I'm vegetarian,” Ryan corrects as he works. “I don’t eat meat, poultry, or fish.”

“Like, not even oysters or anything? Why?” Gavin inquires.

“I eat _shellfish_ , just not _fish_ ,” he assures. Gavin seems confused by this, pondering the statement as he watches Ryan curiously.

“What's the difference then? It's still fish, innit?” he mentions.

“Shellfish comes in a shell. Fish does not,” Ryan explains blandly.

“Well, duh,” Gavin scoffs. “But, I mean, it's fish either way. Why eat one but not the other?”

“Because I don't,” Ryan answers. He's not sure why this is so hard for Gavin to understand.

“That didn't answer my question,” the other lad pips up again. “Why’re you vegetarian? If, uh, you don't mind me asking?”

“I don’t have the stomach for meat,” Ryan says.

“But shellfish is fine?” Michael points out again as if that's exactly what Ryan’s been saying for the last five minutes.

“Where'd you get that idea?” Ryan replies sarcastically. Afterall, if it comes in a shell, he knows what it is. The same reason he won't eat pre-shelled shellfish. He could be eating anything- sausage made of people for example. Besides, shellfish doesn’t have the same texture as the kind of meat his boyfriend eats and Ryan has found it doesn’t make him absolutely nauseous. He does quiet enjoy lobster especially and his boyfriend is often kind enough to bring some home from his trips near the shore.

“You just get weirder and weirder,” Geoff comments. “You better be worth the pay.”

“God, shut up already, Geoff,” Jack scoffs. “Maybe don't be an asshole to the guy helping us hide bodies.” In response, Geoff shrugs like he doesn’t really see her point and Jack shakes her head. She approaches Ryan behind the counter. “Sorry about him. Can I help with something?”

“Nah,” Ryan assures. “I'm almost done.”

They continue to hang around well into the afternoon, awaiting to meet his boyfriend that Ryan repeatedly assures isn’t going to show up. The entire time they ramble on and ask too many questions, most of which he doesn’t even bother to answer, and they're only really quiet when the food is finally ready. It's a whole two minutes of peace and quiet as they shove food into their faces and Ryan enjoys his dainty salad. Geoff manages to compliment him at least once for his great cooking and Ryan only smiles.

Once they've been sated with food, they finally decide to take their leave. Ryan is really going to have to find a way to keep them out of his house. He doesn’t want to be entertaining a slew of gang bangers every week, after all. Not to mention his boyfriend would undoubtedly flip if he found out they were gang members. They absolutely can not meet his boyfriend. Ryan bags up the rest of the cookies for them to take with them and Jack thanks him sweetly, apologizing for her overly aggressive boss again. They're pretty close to just be coworkers, Ryan will say that.

As the last of them pile out of his house, Ryan stops him.

“Hey,” he says. “I didn’t catch your name.”

“Me?” comes the bubbly response. “I'm Jeremy!”

“Jeremy,” Ryan repeats. “You're a little on the pudgy side, aren’t you Jeremy?” Jeremy bristles all at once, stammering out a few words that don't make a lot of sense. “Jack, too, actually.”

“I’m not pudgy!” Jeremy manages out defensively. “I'm just- thick cause, you know, ‘m short. I'm stout!

“Uh huh,” Ryan murmurs, not that interested. “Maybe you and she should lay off those cookies, hm? They're not good for you. You know, vegetarianism might not be a bad idea, either.” Jeremy puffs himself out initially, probably offended, but he seems to notice the look on Ryan’s face and deflates rather quickly. He might just be scared though. Instead of saying anything else, he just hurries along to join the rest of his gang. Ryan gladly goes back inside.

What a mess. He's going to have to clean this all up before his boyfriend gets home in the morning. At least they won't have another reason to bother him for the next week and Ryan made some extra cash. Maybe he'll help himself to that new knife set after all.

\- x -

“Hey Ryan!” Oh god. Ryan lowers his tablet enough to look at Gavin peering over his fence. “Whatcha doing? Smells good.” He _was_ having a nice read in the shade but obviously that's over with now. Ryan pushes his glasses up to the top of his head to look at the lad tiredly.

“Smoking,” he replies simply. “Bacon specifically. Why are you here?”

“You make your own bacon?” Gavin asks curiously. Michael pokes over the fence suddenly. Awesome, more of them are here. That's even better. Weren't they just here like three days ago?

“We got another ‘thing’ for you to take care of,” he says simply. “Where do you want it?”

“Another one?” Ryan scoffs. “You just brought two the other day. I thought we were keeping it a minimum of two a week.” It hasn't even been a week yet and they're going back on their word. Somehow he isn’t surprised even remotely.

“Yeah well things fuckin’ change,” Michael snaps back. He's already backed up on blood thanks to the last two. The only problem with having too much meat is that it's harder to get rid of on short notice and even harder to dispose of it when it goes rancid. Ryan pushes himself to his feet to reluctantly let them in the gate and Michael carries the body through his yard. With all this excess he supposes he can make jerky again. His boyfriend does like it.

“Just leave it here,” Ryan instructs mildly, gesturing Michael to drop it on the kitchen floor. He does with a less than quiet thump and Ryan winces.

“Where’s your boyfriend today?” he asks nosily, peering around as if to catch him.

“Sleeping,” Ryan answers flatly. Fortunately, he'll sleep through pretty much anything. He had a long night and probably won't be up for several more hours at least. By then, Michael and Gavin will be long gone one way or another.

“Oh, what's this?” Gavin asks as he lets himself in and examines the food on the counter. They're just magnetized to this stuff, aren’t they? “Pork chops?”

“They're not pork,” Ryan replies.

“Can I have one?” Gavin questions.

“Why?” Ryan snaps irritably. “Can you not afford your own food?”

“Well, yeah,” he murmurs.

“Dude, you're like a great cook. Almost as good as Geoff,” Michael says. “Shit, better than Geoff considering none of us ever have time to cook. Fuckin’, all we eat is fast food most the time.” Oh boo hoo for them.

“Whatever gets you out of my house faster,” Ryan assures and gestures to the plate with some disgruntledness. “Help yourselves.”

“Sweet!” Gavin chirps. “Thanks!”

“Hey, you keep this up and maybe we'll come around to you after all,” Michael promises with a smug grin as the two of them do as offered and help themselves to some ‘pork’ chops. Ryan forces a toothy smile. At least his boyfriend won't complain about leftovers.

“Oh yeah, we'll be friends in no time,” Gavin agrees.

“Sure, sure,” Ryan murmurs. “With friends like you, who needs enemies?”

“That's the spirit!” he grins.

“That wasn't a compliment, idiot,” Michael scoffs at him. “Come on, we gotta go ditch that other ‘thing’ at that other ‘place’.”

“Oh, right,” Gavin nods. “Later Ryan!” Ryan waves them off with a sarcastic smile. What a nightmare. If he hadn't been killing FAKE members before he should have been.

\- x -

His boyfriend definitely isn't eating enough vegetables. It's strange, he used to like them before but ever since he started eating flesh he's strongly avoided wanting to eat anything else. He won't refuse to, but it's a little difficult getting him to eat anything not exclusively other people. As Ryan browses the produce section, he makes a list in his head. He could probably sneak some broccoli into chilli. Maybe even some carrots. Hell, if he covers anything in enough meat and cheese his boyfriend will eat it.

“Figured you'd grow your own vegetables. Not so pininterest after all, are you?” Geoff says out of the blue and suddenly there's a much too friendly hand on Ryan's shoulder. What kind of fresh hell has he gotten himself into?

“I don’t even know what pininterest is,” Ryan sighs. “Why are you bothering me. Again. In public this time.”

“What's wrong? Embarrassed to be seen with me?” he insists, pulling himself intimately close. Again, this is really just vaguely uncomfortable. There is no reason for them ever to be touching. Ever.

“You reek of whiskey,” Ryan says flatly.

“And you reek of- rosemary actually,” Geoff murmurs curiously, patting the front of Ryan’s chest and nodding approvingly. “Besides, you work for me now which means you do what I tell you when I tell you to do it.” He bops Ryan on the nose with a finger and Ryan looks at him coldly.

“Geoff,” he says. “If you _ever_ touch me like that again, they won't find you.”

“So, my freaky friend,” Geoff continues as if uninterrupted.

“I'm not your friend,” Ryan interrupts.

“You have skills. You have a very specific skill, actually. You're good at taking things apart, like, surgically good,” he murmurs. Ryan doesn’t like where this is going. “Now say, for example, I have this guy and this guy has something I want but he doesn't want to tell me where it is. We don't want to kill him obviously but say, you talk to him a bit and maybe he's more interested in talking.”

“You want me to torture someone?” Ryan asks bluntly. He's a killer and a butcher, not a torturer. That’s a pretty big leap in assumptions for him to make.

“I'd never say that in public, Ryan,” Geoff replies scandalously. They want him to torture someone. Who do they think he is? That wasn't part of their deal, either. This mistake just keeps getting better, doesn't it. Geoff puts a card in his hand with an address on it.

“I'll give you a heads up so you can get ready. If anyone but you shows up, they won't find _your_ body,” he assures. Ryan glares at him and Geoff gives him a falsely affectionate pat on the chest again. Without another word, Ryan just watches him wander off again and out of the store. That was unpleasant.

“Hey Ryan, I just ate like three samples of these rice cracker things. They taste like fucking cardboard, man,” his boyfriend insists as he returns from his short adventure to the aisle over and pops the bag into the basket. “Seriously, how do you eat these things?”

\- x -

Ryan brings his old set of knives with him simply for the sake of not knowing what else to bring and feeling like he has to bring something aside some snacks. He's never tortured anyone before. Back when his boyfriend first started eating flesh, Ryan would break into people's houses and remove their pesky ‘extra’ limbs but even that was under heavy sedation and stealth. Torture meant lots of screaming and lots of mess, neither of which bode very well for not getting caught. Not to mention he's never felt it necessary to play with his boyfriend's food. He's not even sure he knows how torture someone. Not to mention he’s a masochist which somehow makes him feel even less qualified for something like this.

Reluctantly, he heads up to the floor noted on the business card Geoff had given him and then to the suite number. The door is already cracked open but it looks like the entire building is abandoned anyways. Inside, the gang has crowded around the empty apartment in front of what looks like a tv they dragged in with some crates to sit on. They're currently in the middle of some game and none of them offer him much attention besides a small look or nod.

“There you are,” Geoff comments mildly and he nods his head towards one of the other rooms. “Michael’s just getting him warmed up for you.”

“Why doesn't Michael just do it?” Ryan asks shortly. Obviously he's more than adept at it.

“Michael can go a little- overboard,” Jack murmurs with a small shrug. Oh she doesn't say. Ryan still has stitches.

“I've never tortured a guy before,” Ryan mentions. Geoff lets out a laugh.

“It’s just like torturing a woman, you weird fuck, don’t worry,” he assures. Ryan sneers instinctively but he manages to reel it back quick enough.

“I’ve never tortured _anyone_ before,” he assures sourly.

“Yeah, we all believe that,” Geoff says sarcastically. It's the truth. Why would they think he would ever need to torture anyone in the first place? Geoff puts his controller down to instead approach Ryan. This better be over with quick, his boyfriend will wise up eventually about Ryan not working at Blue Haven anymore. Ryan hands him a bag and Geoff looks at him curiously.

“I made too many muffins,” he murmurs.

“Oh! Muffins!” Gavin grabs the bag before Geoff can do anything about it. Someone needs to feed that boy, honestly.

“Thanks?” Geoff offers simply. “If I get one, _Gavin_!” Ryan makes no mention of it and Geoff gestures with his head to follow him into the next room over.

Sure enough, Michael has obviously already been busy at work turning the guy a gnarly shade of purple. It looks like they have this well under control, why is he here? Ryan sets his knives down on the fold up table as the rest of them decide to join the party. Michael throws some water onto the guy’s face to wash away some of the blood and Ryan sees red.

“This is Princeton Shepard,” Geoff introduces. Oh, Ryan knows who he is. “He used to work for a gang that collapsed in on itself and now he has some information I want, isn’t that right?” Shepard replies by spitting a mouthful of blood at them. Geoff isn’t too bothered by it. He crouches down beside Shepard and looks him coldly in the eye. “I know you don’t want to talk to us now but my buddy Ryan here has a way with words, you see. You’re going to tell him where Brownman is, aren’t you?”

“Brownman?” Ryan murmurs.

“Local mercenary,” Jack informs helpfully. Again, Ryan knows that. What he doesn’t know is why Geoff and his gang wants anything to do with Brownman. Geoff turns back to them, giving Ryan a bland look as he pulls his shirt open. The twisted scar on his chest is not exactly the best looking of things. That’s probably not great admittedly.

“It’s all yours, Ry-bread,” Geoff assures. Ry-bread? Now would be a good time to remind them he has no idea what he's doing. He supposes he should just skip to the butchering part since obviously bleeding him out would kill him and there's no reason for any kind of prep for eating. This is kind of weird for him, honestly. Curiously he glances over some of the tools laid out on the make shift table already, most of them sharp. This guy, this Princeton Shepard, he caused a lot of problems for Ryan's boyfriend in the past. Shepard probably doesn’t even know who he is.

Ryan looks back at the rest of the crew watching him, always far too nosey for their own good, but they don’t have much to say at the moment. They're just too busy stuffing their faces with muffins. Alright, well, might as well get started. He grabs a length of rope and some scissors from the table before approaching the guy to examine him a bit closer. He seems to be in good health outside what Michael already did to him. He's definitely not happy, though. Ryan cuts the sleeve off one of Shepard’s arms before tying the rope around his bicep tight enough to cut off the circulation. Shepard squirms angrily but he's too tightly bound to the chair to get free. For a moment, Ryan pretends to fiddle with the rope like he can’t quite get it in place and he leans in close.

“You're not going to tell them where Brownman is,” Ryan whispers to him. Shepard stalls, obviously caught off guard by this. “I'm going to hurt you, probably for a very long time, but know that if you say _anything_ about Brownman, I won't let you die. I will make sure the rest of your life is nothing but sheer pain and suffering.” As he backs up, Shepard stares at him in horror. Oh, now he knows who Ryan is. This prompts him to struggle even harder, now urgent to get free. Ryan will be honest, he and his boyfriend already thought Shepard was dead. How unfortunate for him.

This probably isn't going to go as planned if he keeps moving around like he is. Ryan pulls one of his knives out and slides his thumb down the side. He should have sharpened these first. Oh well. He twirls it around his fingers. The others give him a curious look. He'll just do what he normally does he guesses, it'll definitely be painful if anything. Grabbing the stool, Ryan takes a seat beside Shepard with his knife and runs his fingers down his exposed arm. There's some decent meat on his bones and his arteries are more or less easy to find. Here goes nothing.

As soon as Ryan presses his knife in, Shepard lurches forward. Immediately, Ryan stops. That's weird. He shouts in agony and the noise is naturally disconcerting. Sure, Ryan knows no one's going to get alerted around here but after several years of trying to prevent this very thing, it's natural that it makes him uneasy. He didn’t even cut him that deep yet. Ryan continues. He cuts Shepard’s arm open from elbow to wrist with careful attention paid to avoiding the arteries. Even so, blood pours out of him in streams.

Wow that is a lot of blood. Ryan’s never really done this without the proper precautions to stop them from bleeding so much or at least without having bled them out first. He should have brought a change of clothes. None the less, Ryan just keeps at it. With his arm flayed open, there's a perfect sight to his bone- Ryan thinks at least. There's so much blood it's hard to tell. He picks himself up again, tossing the bloody knife down to pick up a paring knife instead.

“You can make this stop, Shepard,” Geoff assures. “All you have to do is tell us where Brownman is.” If he's smart, he's not going to do that. Really though, it’s going to be a lose-lose situation for him either way.

“Really Geoff,” Jack says. “Torture rarely provides good results. Let's just patch him up and talk this over.” Here's this game again; good cop, bad cop. Plot twist; they're all bad cops. Kinda makes the game no fun to play. Ryan twiddles his knife, watching Shepard curiously as he awaits further instruction. He seems a little pale in the face, doesn’t he?

“Fuck off,” Shepard spits back. Smart man. Jack sighs and Ryan takes a seat again. He digs into the open wound with his fingers, making Shepard squirm in pain, and feels out the bone within. Can he pull the bones out without severing any arteries? That's really not something he ever thought he'd have to do. Technically he should be able to, he thinks.

“So, Ryan,” Jack comments nonchalantly. Ryan glances back at her, pausing what he's doing long enough to assure she isn’t telling him to stop. “How attached are you to your boyfriend?”

“Really?” Geoff scoffs. “I don’t think now is the time, Jack.”

“Very,” Ryan replies shortly. “Why.” He doesn’t like where this is going. With his paring knife, he digs in to begin separating the ulna bone from everything else. This is much easier when there's not blood everywhere.

“We just know someone that maybe you'd be interested in,” Jack offers. What? “She's right up your alley. Blood and guts and everything. I really think-”

“No,” Ryan deadpans. It's kinda hard to hear over Shepard’s shouting.

“Oh, well maybe think-” Jack begins.

“I said no,” Ryan repeats sourly. Now they're trying to set him up? What is wrong with these people? He shakes his head irritably as he carves sticky flesh from bone.

“Alright, alright,” Jack says quickly. “Relax, jeez.”

“We're sure your boyfriend's great,” Michael says sarcastically. Ryan is ready for this conversation to be over. He drops the ulna onto the floor unceremoniously and immediately begins in removing the radius as well.

“We just thought, like, maybe you two were having troubles or something,” Jeremy assures. “You say he's always gone and we certainly never see him around.”

“And you're like- really beaten up?” Gavin adds in. “Like even before we got to you. If he's, like, hitting you and stuff-”

“Shut up,” Ryan says flatly. What part of ‘long jobs’ and ‘masochist’ didn't they understand? They're really trying to suggest his boyfriend is abusing him. Ryan’s not sure what makes him angrier, that or the fact that their solution to it is trying to set him up with someone else. This is ridiculous.

“For real, though,” Geoff murmurs a bit softer. “If he's beating you-”

“ _Stop talking_ ,” Ryan snaps. “My boyfriend isn’t abusing me you _idiots_. We're not ‘estranged’ or ‘having troubles’. And I'm not _leaving_ him. You need to mind your own fucking business.” He drops the radius irritably and with it, his knife before slicking the blood off his arms with his hands. If he knew they were going to be throwing such awful accusations at him, he never would have shown up.

“We're just making sure!” Jack insists. Right, the gang that kidnapped him, tortured him, then blackmailed him into working for them, is suddenly so concerned about his well being. Murder is totally fine but domestic abuse? That's where they draw the line. What a joke.

“Don’t _ever_ even _suggest_ that my boyfriend is abusing me again,” Ryan says firmly, pointing at them angrily with his bloody hands. Several of them take a step back just to be sure. “Do we understand each other?”

“You know, that's fair,” Geoff agrees. “Just- go back to what you're doing and forget this conversation happened.” Ryan exhales carefully, trying to keep his anger under wraps. The very idea makes his skin crawl so uncomfortably. That's the last idea he needs in his head. Instead, he decides to take Geoff’s advice and turn back to his work. Or at least he would had Shepard not stopped screaming a while ago.

“I think he's dead,” Ryan murmurs, trying to get more of the blood off his arms.

“What?” Geoff huffs. “Are you sure he's not just unconscious?”

“I told you, I've never done this before,” Ryan grunts back. “He lost way more blood a lot quicker than I thought he would.” He doesn’t think he hit an artery but really there was so much blood anyways, he doubts he would have noticed. This is so messy. Maybe he didn’t cut off the circulation properly. He's not exactly a surgeon, either. Next time he'll need to make sure he has better tools. Ryan is hoping there won't be a next time but fuck if he knows. This crew is a fucking nightmare.

“Shit,” Geoff says under his breath. “I told you we _didn't_ want him dead.”

“And I told you I've never tortured anyone before,” Ryan snaps back. “I'm a butcher, not a fucking surgeon or, hell, a police officer or something.”

“He did tell you that,” Jack agrees halfly, popping another bite of muffin into her mouth as she watches Geoff check Shepard’s pulse. He's definitely dead. Alright, so people bleed to death a lot quicker than they bleed out. Good to know.

“I think he had a fucking heart attack,” Geoff grumbles. “Fuck. That was our only lead.”

“What do you want with Brownman, anyways?” Ryan asks mildly. “He's just a merc.”

“He's not ‘just a merc’,” Michael assures. “He's probably one of the best shots around. Deadly accurate, sneaky, and a real son of a bitch if you get on his bad side.”

“Hot,” Ryan murmurs.

“He hit Geoff from the bloody moon,” Gavin insists. “Only reason he got away alive was because of his vest.”

“If he wanted me dead, I would have been,” Geoff says simply. “I'm going to find him.”

“That sounds like a bad idea if I ever heard one,” Ryan comments pointedly. “That doesn’t answer what you want with him, though.”

“I don’t exactly like deadly mercenaries running carefree around my city,” Geoff assures. “Especially when they're taking pot shots at me.” Ryan glances at his knife on the ground momentarily then to Shepard. Five on one, no one would hear a struggle, no one would find this place for days, no guns. Michael first, he'd be the most dangerous. Then Geoff. Jeremy would make an escape if he's given the chance and get back up. Jack's probably more of a threat than she acts. Gavin's not a problem.

“I'll call Lindsay,” Michael sighs. “Have her come take care of this.”

“I'll take care of the body,” Ryan offers. “Might as well, now.”

“Whatever, I don’t care,” Geoff scoffs, waving him off. “Either way, I don’t want to see him again.” Tonight his boyfriend's having steak, very rare. He'll be so pleased. It's not every day ‘snitch’ is on the menu. They begin piling out of the room, likely to return to their game while they await clean up, and Ryan looks himself over. This is just so much wasted blood. He tugs his shirt off over his head and uses it to pat some blood off the rest of him.

“Thanks for the muffins, Ryan,” Jack says. “Very tasty.” Ryan glances at her partially as he wipes his hands off on his shirt. She stares somewhat unabashedly at him. What's her problem now?

“Mm,” he replies plainly, pulling his phone out. “Sure thing.” His boyfriend is going to want a picture of this. At least now they don't have to worry about Shepard going around running his mouth anymore.

\- x -

His goddamn phone is ringing. Ryan can’t believe it. Actually, he absolutely can but he choses not to. He also ignores it. The first time.

“Do you want to get that?” his boyfriend finally asks when it begins to ring for the third time. Ryan hates the FAKE crew. He hates them both individually and as a group.

“I really don't,” Ryan murmurs, tossing his head back as the ringer continues to shout into the otherwise quiet room. What could they possibly want now? Reluctantly, he reaches for his cell and his boyfriend, somewhat patiently, settles on his elbows. It's definitely Geoff. Of course it's Geoff. No one else fucking calls him at midnight. Just as he answers, his boyfriend bumps his hips back, grinding their shared toy against his sweet spot and making Ryan gasp.

“What?” Geoff replies shortly. Ryan forgos a response.

“ _Why_ are you bothering me this time?” he insists irritably. Again, his boyfriend rocks his hips back and Ryan has to bite his tongue from making any noise.

“Uh, am I interrupting something?” Geoff asks, obviously noticing something amiss.

“Oh no,” Ryan assures. “I'm just ass to ass on a neon pink double sided dildo with my fucking boyfriend is all.” Said boyfriend lets out an amused snort of a laugh.

“I- I can't tell if you're joking or not,” Geoff murmurs unsurely. Another teasing thrust makes Ryan toss his head back but he manages to stay mute. Not a joke.

“ _What_ do you _want_ ,” he demands.

“Right. Well just know it is an emergency,” Geoff assures. Ryan will be the decider of that. “Michael got snatched earlier tonight. He's in the holding cells downtown. We need someone they don't know is affiliated with our crew to head down there and bail him out. We'd send Lindsay but last time they just arrested _her_.”

“You want me to what?” he deadpans back. He's fucking joking.

“Ryan,” his boyfriend complains. “At least fuck me and talk, man, come on.”

“That your boyfriend? Tell him I said hi,” Geoff says.

“Shut up,” Ryan snaps back irritatedly. “Sorry baby, hold on.” He gets a complaint of a groan and another, deeper grind of the hips in reply.

“Holy shit, you were serious,” Geoff laughs. “Wow. And you answered your phone anyway? Props, man.”

“ _Shut up_. Just- what the hell do you want from me?” Ryan demands again. He's so not in the mood for this. Honestly, Geoff’s a total boner killer.

“Yeah, listen, this is sort of a time sensitive issue,” Geoff urges. “I wouldn’t be asking you, but you're kinda the only person we can trust on hand right now. If FIB gets a hold of him, we're going to have a hell of a time getting him back. As in, he's going to be in a fucking body bag.”

“Good,” Ryan scoffs.

“ _Not_ good,” Geoff snaps back. “Let’s me put it this way, then; you do what I say or FIB is going to have some pretty pictures of you, too.” Ah fuck, what kind of pictures does he even have? Either he's bluffing or he's been snapping pictures without Ryan knowing. At this point, that wouldn't be surprising. If Geoff rats him out to any government force, that'll put his boyfriend at risk too.

“Fuck you,” Ryan says irritably.

“Please fuck me,” his boyfriend groans.

“Fine. Whatever. Where. When,” he snips.

“Uh, now. Outside,” Geoff assures. They're seriously outside his house right now. Ryan isn't sure he _could_ hate a person more. “We got a suit for you, so don't worry about that. Come out in your pajamas for all I care.”

“Or naked,” Jack says in the background.

“Hell, bring your boyfriend. You can finish banging him in the back, we don't mind,” Geoff promises. Oh he's really funny. Comedian material right there. Ryan hangs up as opposed to making a reply and his boyfriend gladly goes back to rutting his hips against him.

“Oh, darling,” Ryan groans lowly. “I'm sorry, I gotta go.” His boyfriend lifts his head again.

“Go?” he echoes. “Are you fuckin’ kidding me, man? We're banging here.”

“I'm know, I'm sorry,” Ryan repeats, already making to break apart. He makes a mild, unsatisfied noise as he pulls away and hurriedly rummages around for his boxers. His boyfriend scoffs. “It's an emergency. If I don't, I might loose my job.”

“Man, fuck your boss,” his boyfriend grumbles. “The hell is his problem?” Ryan pauses in his somewhat half hearted search for clothes to momentarily watch his boyfriend fuck himself on the other half of the dildo. Obviously he's not against finishing by himself.

“Just old and cranky,” Ryan murmurs, hurriedly going back to yanking his pants on. “You know the type.” He leans down to give his boyfriend a quick peck on the mouth which is answered with a mild huff. “I'll make it up to you tomorrow. I'll eat you out all day if you want. You can fuck my throat raw, even.”

“Mmhm,” is the only semi-serious reply. “We’ll see.” Ryan grins a little. He tugs his shirt on and grabs his phone before quickly heading down the stairs and out the front door with his keys. The last thing he wants is them barging into his house again. Sure enough, there's a van parked across the street and Ryan swiftly makes his way, barefoot, over to it.

“Hey chap,” Gavin grins out the back as Ryan hops in. It's not exactly warm out here, that's for certain.

“Thanks for doing this for us,” Jack says. Oh sure because he had so much of a choice. Jeremy quickly hands him a suit and a redhead Ryan’s seen before, Lindsay, pats the suitcase she has.

“Put this on,” Jeremy insists. “Should fit. Close enough, at least.”

“Bail money's in here,” Lindsay assures. “You go in, pay it, you walk out with Michael. These idiots won't even notice probably.”

“Sorry for dragging you away from your little boyfriend,” Geoff murmurs from the front seat. “So you, uh, you like it in the ass, do you? Wouldn't have figured that.”

“I told you he wasn't the top,” Jack insists.

“The only reason I'm not saying anything is because I am physically too angry to think straight,” Ryan promises as he shrugs out of his pjs in order to get into the vaguely dusty suit. “But please, continue. I would _love_ to strangle someone tonight.”

“Let's everyone relax,” Jeremy urges calmly. “The sooner we're done, the sooner we all get to go back to bed.”

“Or to banging, whatever,” Lindsay agrees. Ryan hates his life only slightly less than he hates theirs.

\- x -

“Thanks for bailing me out, buddy,” Michael says with some actual sincerity in his voice as the two of them climb into the back of the van. Ryan is just ready to go home. There was no ‘quick’ about it. He had to fill out paperwork; he lied so much. He didn’t know when Michael’s birthday was. Who the hell is Denise? There's no way Michael weighs more than a hundred and ten pounds, right? They both settle down in vaguely uncomfortable seats in the back. Gavin and Jeremy are fast asleep on each other and Geoff looks like he's getting there. Lindsay gladly kisses Michael in greeting.

“Take me to Up ‘n Atom,” Ryan says flatly.

“What?” Geoff yawns.

“It is two am. I am tired. I am in a suit that smells like moldy bread. I had to sit next to a lady that keep insisting I was a sex worker and that I should ‘pet her kitty’ for forty five minutes. You made me leave my boyfriend literally in the middle of sex,” Ryan lists off. “Either take me to Up ‘n Atom or we can all go to hell.”

“I think we all can do with a snack, actually,” Jack agrees quickly.

“I'm hungry as hell,” Michael grumbles in agreement. This has been far too long of a day for Ryan. He's going to have a sandwich, he's going to go home, he's going to sleep nice and cuddled with his boyfriend, and he's not going to hear from Geoff for at least a week and a half.

“You know, I don’t know what it is, but Ryan kinda creeps me out,” Jack murmurs.

“Oh yeah? It's not the murder? Or the disassembling bodies? Or whatever the hell that was?” Geoff asks.

“Maybe that,” Jack says faintly. The rest of the ride is quiet in the early hours of the morning. When they arrive, Jack gets out with him. Ryan lets her order first so he isn't waiting for her afterwards since his order is fairly easy; six cheeseburgers, no meat extra cheese, one deluxe, no meat extra tomato, three fries, and a vanilla shake. Same thing every time. He also makes Jack pay which she agrees to without argument. It's really the least they can do.

“Sorry about this,” Jack murmurs again while they wait. “We really didn't mean to drag you away from your boyfriend.” Ryan doesn’t say anything. He is simply way too tired to even deal with this right now. By the time they return to the van, Lindsay and Geoff have nodded off as well. Jack tosses Michael some food before finally heading back to Ryan’s house. Ryan hungrily scarfs down his tomato burger on the way.

“You're for real about this vegan thing, huh?” Michael comments curiously.

“Don’t talk to me,” Ryan replies.

“Whatever, asshole,” Michael grumbles but otherwise, they eat in silence. In the morning, he'll patty up some meat and his boyfriend can have cheeseburgers for lunch. Maybe that way he'll forget about Ryan having to leave in the middle of the fucking night while they were having sex. Sometimes tells him that’s not going to be forgotten so easy; even with cheeseburgers.

“Alright, here you are, Ryan,” Jack offers quietly as to not awaken the others. “Keep the suit. You'll probably need it in the future. Oh and tell your boyfriend we're sorry, too.”

“Get away from my house,” Ryan says flatly as he climbs out the back. “I don’t want to see any of you for a week- at least. I am so angry.”

“We'll keep that in mind,” Michael assures sarcastically. Ryan isn't joking and he's pretty sure they know it. Grouchy and tired, Ryan slams the door behind him and returns to his warm house. If he had known things were going to get this out of hand with Geoff and his crew, Ryan would _preferred_ dealing with the LSPD.

\- x -

It's not a mystery who's at his door. Since he's quit his job, the only people that bother him is Geoff and his fucking crew. Whether or not it was a good idea to quit his day job is yet to be seen. Ryan will say this; he's made more money doing less work for the FAKE than he ever could hope for in the pool business. His old boss was an ass, anyways. More or less than Geoff? That's up for debate. Ryan ignores the knocking mainly because he's in the middle of a game but also because he doesn’t want them in his house again.

“We have a key, Ryan,” Jack assures loudly. “I'm knocking to be polite!” Ryan rolls his eyes. Definitely more. Though it has been a week and he has managed to calm down, he's really not any happier with them than he was before. That wasn't exactly easy to explain to his boyfriend. He's trying not to lie to his boyfriend _too_ much but when they drag him away in the middle of the night, there aren't exactly a lot of reasonable explanations. Ryan pauses his game and sets his controller down to answer the door. Just as he opens it, there's a loud yell from the street.

“Bloody hell! Get it off! Get it off!” Gavin yelps. “Weak!” Ryan glances at the fuss happening at the end of his walkway before turning back to Jack and Lindsay stood on his step. The neighbors have already taken to avoiding him and his house with all the gang members loitering around lately. Wisely, they know just as well as before to mind their own, though.

“Leave,” he says flatly. He doesn’t know what this is about and he'd rather not. Of course, he never really thought that would work, either. They do whatever they want, whenever they want.

“Hey to you, too,” Jack grins at him. Ryan is not amused. She holds up a particularly large lobster for him to see. “We brought food.” Oh. That's is a language he understands. Gladly he takes it from her and moves out of the way of the door to let her pass. The fat, angry thing wriggles in his grasp, still very much alive and kicking.

“Come on in,” he murmurs distractedly. That is a big lobster and a Los Santos Bareback Blue at that. Those aren't cheap. Ryan’s mouth practically waters. It's been awhile since he's had lobster, especially _good_ lobster. This baby is going straight in a pot of water. Lindsay wanders in with two more of them and Jeremy gladly follows, carrying a bucket of equally as upset shells.

“I brought oysters, clams, and whatever these are,” he says, pulling one out. “They were expensive so they're probably good?” Ryan will agree with that, sure. Hey, as long as it's in a shell. The more alive, the better.

“To apologize for calling you out of bed in the middle of the night,” Jack assures.

“Huh, yeah, you’re forgiven,” Ryan replies immediately, too busy looking at his new, delicious lobster friend.

“Fuckin’ better be,” Geoff grumbles as he lets himself in as well. “These lobsters ain't cheap.” Ryan gives him an annoyed look. As much as he loves lobster, he didn’t ask for these. If Geoff is going to be an asshole about it, they can have them back. Actually, better yet-

“Wouldn't want to put you out,” Ryan murmurs. “Why don’t you stay awhile? I'll make some steak.”

“If you're offering,” Geoff grins. He can’t even apologize without being a dick about it. Ryan doesn’t feel bad about this at all. Jack shoots Geoff a nasty look and they wander into his house to argue in private. Michael and Gavin bring up the rear, both looking like they got in a fight with the lobsters they're holding. Ryan wouldn't be surprised. He closes the door behind them and they all make themselves at home in his house.

“Where’s your boyfriend?” Jeremy asks with interest.

“Not here,” Ryan answers.

“Convenient,” Geoff scoffs halfly. It's true. His boyfriend got called away just this afternoon to deal with something immediately. He likely won't be done with it tonight at any rate. It sounded troublesome but the cash was too tempting.

“You play Halo?” Gavin asks, taking a look at the game they had interrupted. Lindsay picks up his controller curiously.

“Yes,” Ryan assures. He's played all of them but that doesn't seem important to mention. Both he and his boyfriend are pretty serious gamers.

“Huh. Maybe you're not so bad, after all,” Geoff comments. Uh huh, sure. Ryan doesn’t say anything, simply heading towards the kitchen with his lobster to start preparing stuff.

“Damn, is this your gamerscore?” Michael calls after him.

“My boyfriend likes to get achievements on my account sometimes,” Ryan replies. Apparently he couldn't ‘stand to date someone with such a lame score’. Honestly, though, he just likes to use Ryan’s account to play games he doesn’t want all the achievements in. After all, Ryan doesn't care if he has unfinished games on his profile. His boyfriend is very particular about that.

“Shit, dude, I need a boyfriend like that,” Michael murmurs.

“Me, too,” Lindsay agrees pointedly.

“You want some help?” Jeremy offers. Ryan settles all the lobsters in the sink so they don't escape and gives a small look around before nodding.

“Sure. Why don't you get this started,” he says as he pulls a big pot out to cook the lobster in. “I'm going to go grab some meat from the basement.”

“I can do that!” Jeremy agrees. Ryan would hope so. None the less, Ryan likes him. He reminds him of his boyfriend honestly, which is sort of strange because he’s nothing like his boyfriend. Perhaps in what is probably a particularly bad idea, Ryan heads down to the basement and leaves the rest of the crew alone. A lot of the meat he gets he doesn’t freeze simply for the fact that there is usually so much of it, it would start piling up too quickly if he did that. Plus, if he ever had to quickly get rid of it, frozen meat is much too difficult to ditch. Still, with so much of it, it has be to kept cool and honestly, keeping so much of it in the fridge with the rest of their food kind of makes Ryan nauseous.

Lately, they’ve been going through more meat than usual. This is both because his boyfriend has been taking a lot of long jobs as of lately causing Ryan to pack food for him that will last and also because there are other people now eating it as well. At least it’s not going to waste. He rifles through a few shelves to find the packages of steak he had been saving and a slab of bacon. With the FAKE crew behind him, Ryan will say this, they won’t be running out of food any time soon. Ryan doesn’t even have to ask for more, they just bring them. He’s alright with spoiling them with the good cuts today.

By the time he comes back up the stairs, Jeremy and Lindsay are trying, struggling really, to get the very angry lobsters into the hot pan of water. It’s very adamant about not being boiled alive. He didn’t even leave them alone for two minutes. Ryan sets the packages of meat on the counter and takes the lobster from them before they hurt themselves. He slams the lobster down on the cutting board, disorienting it long enough to get it into the pot without a hassle and get the lid on.

“Oh,” Jeremy says. “We should have thought of that.”

“Lobsters are unpredictable,” Lindsay insists.

“Get out of my kitchen,” Ryan says flatly. Neither of them have any arguments about this. It seems the others have made themselves at home on his couch with his Xbox effectively putting an end to that session of gaming but it keeps them distracted so he can’t complain too much. Ryan diligently goes to work preparing enough food for all of them. There’s something he likes about making so much food, it’s comforting almost, and the fact that it’s for people he isn’t too fond of doesn’t take away from that.

“So listen,” Geoff murmurs suddenly, saddling himself up on a bar stool at the kitchen isle. Ryan gives him a half look, not allowing it to distract him from his cooking for very long. “If you sleep with my girlfriend, we’re going to have a problem.”

“Lindsay?” Ryan replies curiously.

“ _Jack_ ,” Geoff bites back irritably.

“Ah, right,” he says. “Lindsay seems out of your league. I guess Jack also seems out of your league though.”

“Look, asshole,” Geoff snaps.

“I’m not interested in Jack,” Ryan cuts him off. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, I am in literally the most gayest of love I could be with my boyfriend.” Geoff watches him suspiciously for a moment before offering a nod of agreement.

“Alright, as long as we understand each other,” he grumbles. Ryan does his best to not roll his eyes. Out of all things, that’s what he’s worried about? He has shown nothing but disdain for them since the beginning. Why would he think Ryan would go out of his way to sleep with any of them let alone his girlfriend?

“Here, try this,” Ryan murmurs, handing Geoff a bit of bacon. He gladly accepts it and chews on it thoughtfully for a moment before nodding.

“This is the stuff you make yourself, huh? Pretty good,” Geoff agrees.

“Thanks,” Ryan replies. “That means a lot to me, Geoff.”

“Honestly, I can’t tell if you’re being sincere sometimes or not,” Geoff comments mildly, reaching for another bit of bacon. Ryan offers him a forced grin that, sure enough, doesn’t make him feel much better. Not to let Geoff distract him, he just continues on with his cooking. It’s been awhile since he cooked for so many people like this if he’s honest. He had never cooked for his own family and only once to impress his boyfriend’s family; they weren’t impressed but his mother-in-law did give him some recipes and so much pity.

Cooking at the bare minimum of twice a day has a way of refining one’s cooking skills, though.

“You know, you’re not that bad, really,” Geoff offers. Ryan doesn’t pay him much mind. “You’re a fucking creep and weird me the hell out but whatever, I guess. It’s cool you’re like, loyal to your boyfriend and you do all this stuff for him even though he’s gone all the time. Plus you have been helping us out and so far haven’t tried to screw us over which, you know, a surprising amount of people try to do.”

“Stop talking to me,” Ryan says flatly. He gets it; caution before friendliness, weariness before understanding. He’d rather smack a growling dog than let it bite him. Ryan’s not a dog. Ryan’s a vindictive, cold blooded killer that would do anything to protect his boyfriend and Geoff? Geoff is a rabid animal that’s apparently only placid with meat.

“Rude,” Geoff grumbles back. He pushes off his stool and brushes himself out a bit. “Gavin and Lindsay are the only ones who don’t like their steak rare just fyi.”

“I know how to cook a steak,” Ryan replies. It’s for their benefit that he doesn’t cook them rare. As Geoff returns to join his crew loitering in his living room, Ryan takes care of the rest of the food. Though obviously he saves most of the lobster for himself, he cooks up a few of them and the variety of shells to have alongside side the main dish and potatoes to round it out. When it’s done, the crew gathers around his table certainly not fit for this many of them and Ryan dishes them up some food.

“Oh,” Jack says softly, looking at her plate with a small frown. Jeremy sports a similar look, looking around at everyone else’s plates filled with steak while she and he have been given lobster. “Um, Ryan?”

“Mm,” Ryan answers mildly, gladly sitting himself down to enjoy his own oversized lobster tail. His stomach growls at just the thought. A big, meaty lobster with lots of lemon butter and raw oysters. The only thing that would make this better is if they weren’t here.

“The lobsters were, uh, for you, Ryan,” Jack insists politely.

“I don’t mind sharing,” Ryan says, rebuffing her immediately and rather obviously.

“He thinks you guys are fat, he’s just trying to help,” Geoff assures. Jack gives him a mean glare. “What? _I_ don’t think you’re fat! Don’t get mad at me!”

“What’s wrong with being fat?” Ryan asks pointedly, glancing between the two of them as he snaps his lobster open between his hands. The others have already gladly diverged into their meals without a second though, scarfing down red meat and blood. Jack looks at him a moment, nodding in agreement, before giving Geoff an even more sour stare.

“Oh woof,” Lindsay hums happily as she chows down.

“Alright, wait,” Geoff says quickly. “Don’t turn this around on me.”

“ _Thank you_ , Ryan,” Jack cuts him off tensely, simply giving in to instead enjoy her lobster. Jeremy makes a bit of a pout but obviously he decides he’s either too afraid or not rude enough to refuse a good meal of expensive shellfish. Ryan could eat these for a week.

“Uh huh,” Ryan agrees. “You’re welcome. Thanks for bringing them.”

“Thanks for the bail out again, too,” Michael adds on. “That place was a shit hole.” Lindsay offers Jeremy a bit of her steak and he grins happily, sharing little bits of their food between them.

“Hey, that’s what friends are for,” Ryan assures as he happily digs into his lobster. Oh, lovely. He practically hums with enjoyment. Perfectly done and so fresh. What a good meal.

“You know what, I don’t like Ryan calling us friends,” Geoff murmurs.

“What- is this?” Gavin asks unsurely. Ryan takes a peek at him curiously before looking at his partially eaten steak.

“Hm, looks like a bullet,” he assures.

“Uh,” Gavin says slowly. “Why is there a bullet in my steak?” Ryan shrugs. Gavin urgently glances at Geoff.

“Who shoots at a cow?” Michael asks blandly. Again, Ryan just shrugs.

“Couldn’t tell you,” he murmurs. “People shoot at things all the time. I’m sure you would know.”

They don’t think on it very hard.

\- x -

“Oh man, thanks for the lunch,” she says as she balls up the paper bag between her hands. “This was nice, Ryan.”

“I’m glad,” Ryan grins at her happily. It’s been awhile since they have had time for a nice lunch together like this. With his girlfriend working so many back to back long jobs out of town, or even just being unable to leave the side of her job in town, it’s been awhile since they’ve had _any_ intimate time. Even now, Ryan has only managed some time alone together by dragging a picnic out to his girlfriend’s most recent job.

“Nerd,” she scoffs. “Look, I gotta get back to work, okay? Don’t drag me into your sappy stuff right now.”

“I’m not sappy,” Ryan scoffs. “I just brought you lunch.”

“Uh huh. Admit it, you just have no idea what to do with yourself when I'm gone,” she insists jokingly.

“Oh sure, between my computer stuff and my games and work and cooking, I just don't know what to do when you're not around to dote on,” Ryan agrees and he pretends to swoon for her.

“Come on, man. At least pretend to miss me,” she says.

“Make up your mind, do you want sappy husband or busy husband?” Ryan replies. She laughs at him a bit but leans into him to share little speckles of kisses.

“Nah. I think Ryan is fine,” she assures. Ryan grins at her, gladly exchanging little loving kisses. “Alright but seriously, I gotta get back. I don’t want these idiots fucking anything up while I'm out.”

“Yeah, alright,” Ryan agrees as she gets up and stretches herself out. She quickly pops her phone out of her pocket long enough to fix her lipstick in the reflection before smiling at him.

“I'll be home tonight, alright?” she assures. “Probably late so eat without me.”

“Got it,” he says with an ‘ok’ gesture. “I'll leave something on the counter for you.”

“Thanks babe,” she winks at him and with that, she's off to rejoin her work force. Ryan finishes off the last bits of his salad before beginning to pack up everything to take back home. Sure enough, he doesn’t even manage to get through this before he's being bothered again. Geoff suddenly, and without warning, joins him at the little table and helps himself to some left over food.

“So,” he says and Ryan tries his best not to just straight out strangle him. “There goes that loyal boyfriend thing, eh?” The what thing? What is he on about now?

“What do you want, Geoff?” Ryan asks shortly. If Geoff wants to eat the rest of the sandwich his girlfriend didn’t, that's fine with him. He even pushes over the remaining fries. Ryan’s not going to touch them.

“Glad you asked,” Geoff smirks at him. “Here's how this is going to go. You're going to do a favor for me and I'm not going to tell your boyfriend you're cheating on him.” Cheating on- this idiot thinks he's cheating on his boyfriend? That girlfriend _was_ his boyfriend. Ryan’s not sure if he wants to laugh or punch Geoff in the fucking face for even suggesting such a thing. Admittedly, they haven't seen his boyfriend yet so there's no way that they'd know she looks just like him.

“Are you spying on me?” Ryan demands instead. It’s just not worth it to explain that his boyfriend is fucking genderfluid and therefore sometimes also his girlfriend or occasionally even his datemate. It's nobody else's business anyways.

“Hey, it's a small town,” Geoff assures. Ryan really isn’t surprised that any of them would be following him, especially Geoff. Whatever his problem is with Ryan, he'd better get over it soon. This isn’t something Ryan wants to be dealing with for the next several weeks- or longer.

“What's this ‘favor’?” he asks. As funny as it would be to watch Geoff try to explain to his boyfriend that Ryan’s cheating on him with said boyfriend, Ryan doesn't want Geoff anywhere near him. Besides, they'd just try to blackmail him with something else he's sure.

“I knew you'd be a good friend,” Geoff grins at him. Ryan glowers him down sourly but he doesn't seem to notice. “Remember how I said they arrested Lindsay for trying to bail Michael out? Well, she has a court date. Our ‘lawyer’ says it's best to go through with it for now. It'll help our image and I dunno, other stuff. She knows what she's about.”

“What does that have to do with me?” Ryan snips. He's already bailed one of them out of jail.

“Man, this sandwich is really good. We need a character witness,” he says simply.

“You want me to be a character witness for someone I just met and barely know?” Ryan confirms. This is a flawless idea, obviously.

“You're not connected to any of us by name, there's only little crimes in your record, and you're like a total looker,” Geoff insists. He's flattered, really. “Our lawyer will tell you what to say and you say it, it's that easy. Even you can do it.”

“What is she even being charged with?” Ryan asks, crossing his arms irritably. More so, why do they keep turning to him for help? What has he really done to show them he'd ever be any help to them? Is it just because they know they can blackmail him? That's only going to work for so long before Ryan decides to let his boyfriend at them. He'd rip their little ‘crew’ apart if he found of they've been bugging Ryan like this.

“Doesn’t matter,” Geoff says. “You're gonna hop up there, say some stuff, then you get to go home. It's nothing big.” He only has to go to court and say nice, untrue things about a gang that's been tormenting him for several weeks now.

“Whatever,” Ryan scoffs. “Just stay away from my boyfriend.”

“Hey, I don’t bite,” Geoff promises.

“He does,” Ryan assures bitterly. Geoff gives him an odd look.

\- x -

Ryan is uncomfortable. He doesn’t like wearing this suit mostly because there’s stitching in the back that suggests whoever wore it last got stabbed. However, he’s also uncomfortable because he hates court. He hates police, he hates laws, he hates the government. In fact, many things he doesn’t like happen to be exactly in this room right now and the levels of over stimulation it’s filling him with is by large very unacceptable.

Mica, the FAKE crew’s go to lawyer, spoke to him and he rattled off the lines he was given before hand like the good little machine he is. Most of them weren’t blatant lies at least, making it easy to at least remember them. Ryan certainly doesn’t have a problem with telling the court nothing but lies. They’ve never done anything for him.

All he has to do is suffer through a cross examination and then he can go. He can go straight home and straight back to bed with his boyfriend. At the very least, Ryan can say he feels kind of bad for the other lawyer. He is doing everything he can to try to convict Lindsay of anything he can and Mica is just shooting him down at every turn _effortlessly_. It’s obvious they’re very much aware of the high levels of gang activity going on here but there’s just nothing they can do about it.

Ryan just has to wait until he finally is approached with papers in order. Oh yes because it’s going to be very hard to cross examine him. ‘Those things you said, are they true?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Alright, you can go.’

“So, Mr. Haywood- can I call you James?” he asks politely.

“No,” Ryan replies.

“Ah, right. Mr. Haywood, you said you work with Mrs. Jones. What is it that you do?” he asks.

“I’m a freelancer,” Ryan answers. “Mostly computer work, but I’m flexible.”

“Flexible, eh? How long have you worked with Mrs. Jones?” he goes on.

“Not very long. A few weeks,” he assures.

“And who do you two work for, exactly? What are you doing for them?” It feels like Ryan’s entire life for the last few weeks has been nothing but answering obscene questions, honestly. He thought people minded their own business in this town.

“Both of us? I couldn’t say,” Ryan promises him, knowing better than to try to speak for ‘both’ of them. “I, however, am being paid by Jack Pattillo. That’s what the checks say. As I said, I do mainly computer work, I’ve been helping keep some computers running and been on call to aid in technical issues.”

“Yes yes. You’re aware Jack Pattillo has a known connection with the leader of a notorious gang around here, right?” he offers. Until very recently, Ryan didn’t even know there _was_ a gang around here. How come everyone else seems to know? Where has he been?

“Objection,” Mica interrupts. “Relevance?”

“Withdrawn,” he agrees quickly, obviously feeling as though he’s made his point already. “Tell me, Mr. Haywood. Do you work a lot of late nights with Mrs. Lindsay?”

“Here and there,” Ryan agrees with a bit of bitterness. Just the occasional, you know, two am phone call during sex. Nothing he’s not still mad about.

“And it’s just the two of you?” he presses on. Ryan glances at Mica and Lindsay a bit before turning back again.

“Usually,” he says. He can’t admit to having anything to do with the rest of them. That would be super illegal.

“Usually,” the lawyer repeats and he grins. Ryan can’t imagine why that’s good for him. “So Mr. Haywood, are you married?”

“I am,” Ryan answers shortly. He already doesn’t like where this is going. He’s just winging it at this point. So much for ‘they probably won’t bring up your personal life’. Of course they’re going to bring up his personal life. They’re doing everything they can to make Lindsay as arrested as possible.

“Oh,” he says in surprise. “You are? You don’t wear a ring. Your wife, she doesn’t mind these long nights?” Ryan gives him a cold look. Every time. What is with this cisnormative, heteronormative bullshit? He probably thinks his ‘wife’ is white, too. He looks back to Mica who shakes her head mildly, assuring he needs to remain calm.

“No,” he answers simply for sake of not saying anything rude.

“That must be nice,” he smiles. “You, hanging out every night with Mrs. Jones. Alone. Your wife, is she attractive?” Is he having a fucking episode? What about him makes people think he is straight _and_ cheating on his wife? Straight people are so fucking weird.

“I really don’t see how that is important,” Ryan assures him sourly.

“Of course,” he agrees amusedly and then he leans in a little to whisper. “Mrs. Lindsay, she’s cute, isn’t she? Are you a tights man, Mr. Haywood?”

“ _Objection_ ,” Mica calls disgruntledly. “Badgering the witness.”

“Sustained,” the judge sighs. “Let’s stay on the topic at hand, shall we?”

“I think this _is_ the topic at hand, your honor,” he insists. Ryan idly wonders if he could get over this counter before anyone could stop him. “You’re telling me a man that has worked with Mrs. Jones for barely a month is suddenly an expert on her character? Let alone that he would go on record for her? Here’s what I think; Mr. Haywood and Mrs. Jones are having an affair.” Mica puts her head in her hand.

“Objection,” she repeats. “Irrelevant!”

“If Mr. Haywood is sexually involved with Mrs. Jones despite being married, then it goes without saying he’d be perfectly fine with lying for her! Move to dismiss Mr. Haywood and strike his testimony from the record,” he demands. _Please_.

“Mr. Haywood,” the judge says tiredly, gesturing to him a bit. “What do you have to say to this accusation?”

“I don’t think my _husband_ would appreciate what you’re suggesting,” Ryan says simply. Oh, he can play this game of assumptions, too.

“Husband?” comes the unsure replies. Ryan nods slowly. If they can assume he’s straight, they can also assume he’s gay. Either way, they’re wrong. “No further questions.”

“Can I go?”

\- x -

“You did way better than I thought,” Lindsay comments in what is supposed to be some sort of backhanded compliment. He’s been to court before. Ryan shimmies out of his tie, stuffing it into his pocket just to get rid of the thing. He’s ready to go home and more importantly, get out of this gross suit. So Lindsay probably won’t be going to jail and even if she was, she would never stay there. Ryan really doesn’t see the point to any of this but hey, as long as he’s getting paid he supposes he doesn’t care too much.

“Oh yeah,” Mica agrees. “You stayed completely calm. Most people start going way south after getting hard pressed like that.” Ryan wouldn’t call that ‘hard pressed’ but none the less, this isn’t the first time he’s had to testify for anything before. Lawyers don’t scare him. Nothing really scares him anymore to be honest. He kills and feeds people to his boyfriend who also kills people. Topping that is a little hard.

“Thanks I guess,” Ryan murmurs. “I’m going home.”

“Aw, you weren’t going to wait for us?” Gavin asks as they’re, unfortunately, joined by the rest of the crew.

“No,” Ryan says flatly.

“One day we’ll catch you in a good mood,” Michael insists, patting him way too hard on the back. “I’ll fucking kill you if you touch my girlfriend, alright?”

“Eat a dick,” Ryan replies.

“Hey, Ryan’s a handsome guy,” Lindsay assures and she winks at him jokingly. Not helping.

“I’m going home,” Ryan repeats irritably. “Unless there’s anything else annoying you guys want.”

“Yeah yeah,” Geoff says and he waves him off a little. “You have a house to sulk in. Go for it champ. You’ll get your check.” He better get his fucking check.

“Well thank you, Ryan,” Mica smiles at him. “I know you didn’t want to, but you did us a huge favor today.” Obviously he doesn’t believe that but whatever. If they want to pay him for something they don’t even need him for, who is he to complain? Between having a much safer income of food, extra cash on hand, and basically completely immune to being bothered by the police, Ryan is coming to accept the bad with the good. As much as he would rather not.

“You’re welcome,” he murmurs with a small nod of the head. “Would you like to come over for dinner, Mica? My boyfriend would like you I think.”

“ _What_?” Jack says blandly.

“You’re inviting _her_ over for dinner?” Jeremy yips.

“ _And_ to meet your bloody boyfriend?” Gavin yelps.

“I’d love to,” Mica agrees gladly. “That sounds nice.”

“We’re invited, right?” Geoff asks pointedly. Ryan looks at them for a moment as if to consider it.

“No,” he says. “Stay away from my house.” Of course he’s inviting Mica over. She’s nice and has been kind to him this entire time as opposed to the others who have done nothing but harass and irritate him for no goddamn reason. If Mica puts up with these idiots on a regular basis, she deserves a free meal. Plus, it annoys them which is really just the best kind of bonus. “I’m a vegetarian. Is that okay?”

“Oh sure,” Mica assures with a grin. “I don’t mind.” See, she’s just an overall pleasant person to be around. Ryan would much rather offer a meal to her and be required to feed the rest of his haphazard, loud mouthed, overly aggressive crew of lowlives.

“I told you they’d get along,” Jack scoffs at Geoff under her breath.

“I never said they wouldn’t,” Geoff huffs back. “I said it was a bad idea to set up two aggressive serial killers.”

\- x -

Everyone has their price and apparently Ryan’s price is Los Santos Bareback Blue lobsters. They’re _so_ good, though. They’re also so expensive. If Geoff wants to give him a big ol’ bag of them to do some little job then Ryan isn’t going to say no. Besides, for once this is actually something Ryan is good at. If they asked him to hunt someone down before, he’d be much more willing to do it. At least he’s actually done this before.

“I still can’t believe you invited Mica over but you never invite us over,” Jack murmurs as the lot of them sit around cramped into a van much too small for seven people. Ryan could definitely do without sitting in a van with them for a couple hours but at least he gets front seat privileges.

“And to meet your boyfriend,” Jeremy adds in with some disgruntledness. “We haven’t even _seen_ your boyfriend!”

“She said he was cute,” Lindsay scoffs, leaning on the back of his seat. “How come you don’t introduce him to us?”

“Here is the thing about that,” Ryan says, tilting his head away. “I don’t like you.”

“Rude,” Geoff murmurs.

“You’re blackmailing me,” Ryan reminds him pointedly.

“I’m paying you!” Geoff barks. “With money. And lobsters!”

“And if I say no, you try to turn me into the police,” Ryan says. “Hmm, money or jail? Hard choice.”

“That was once,” Geoff gruffs. “I didn’t have time to deal with your stubborn bullshit.” Once is all it takes. Even if Geoff is bluffing, it would be much too easy for him to throw Ryan in prison and forget about it. Mica is an _extremely_ good lawyer and she knows how to work the system very well.

“It’s not ‘stubborn’. I don’t like you and I don’t want to help you because you’re bad people,” he assures. Stubborn would suggest Geoff has a good reason for doing this. Which he doesn’t. Last he checked, Geoff didn’t even like him.

“And you’re not?” Michael insists pointedly.

“Did I mention the part where I just don’t like you?” Ryan says, crossing his arms mildly.

“You mentioned it, I think,” Gavin grumbles.

“I think it’s time we stop this conversation,” Jack says as if she wasn’t the one that brought it up in the first place.

“I think that’d be a good idea, yeah,” Ryan agrees and the van drifts back into silence. This guy will be coming out of this building soon and when he does, they’ll be ready to grab him in a nice, discreet fashion as opposed to trying to drag him kicking and screaming into an unmarked van. It’s really incredible these guys get away with anything. Then again, they do have a very good lawyer.

“At least tell us about your boyfriend, then,” Gavin insists. Ryan ignores him. Didn’t they just decide not to talk about this?

“We know he’s cute,” Lindsay comments.

“He’s weird as hell,” Geoff adds in. “And kinky as hell.”

“He eats fucking everything apparently,” Michael says. “If the state of you always cooking says anything.”

“And he’s good at games,” Jeremy agrees.

“So- basically Ryan’s dream boy,” Jack laughs a little. Ryan doesn’t say anything. They can’t mind their own business for a single second can they? There’s a reason they haven’t met his boyfriend yet and that’s because he’d tear them apart. That and because, again, Ryan does not like them. The whole ‘first meeting torture’ definitely didn’t help. If his boyfriend even found out he was this deep into dealing with this crew bullshit, he’d be so mad.

“Give us something here,” Geoff urges. “You’re already weird enough. At least let us know you’re not a fucking robot or something.”

“Fine,” Ryan says shortly. Whatever ends this sooner. “ _One_ question.”

“Gavin shut up,” Geoff says the second Gavin opens his mouth.

“But I have a good question!” Gavin insists immediately.

“Ask me first,” Geoff instructs. Gavin pouts a little.

“Can I ask Ryan if his boyfriend his Brownman?” he asks. For an idiot, he’s really smart. Ryan’s kind of surprised to be honest, though he’s not entirely sure if this is supposed to be a serious question or if he’s just winging it and hoping for the best.

“No!” Geoff snaps back. “Fucking moron, why would you think his boyfriend his Brownman?”

“I thought it was a good question,” Gavin grumbles.

“Alright, Ryan,” Jack says. “How did you meet your boyfriend?”

“Aw, that’s _boring_ ,” Gavin scoffs. Ryan considers the question for a moment or more specifically, how he should answer it. Not all together truthfully, of course, but mostly truthfully wouldn’t hurt.

“He killed my ex,” Ryan says simply.

“Oh,” Gavin murmurs. “Well.”

“Uh, maybe elaborate on that?” Jack offers. Technically, Ryan did answer the question so he feels no need to say any more but if it stops them from badgering him, he guesses there’s no harm for the time being. It’s looking like it’s going to be a while before this guy shows his face again and now that he’s opened this can of worms, it’s probably best not to sit around and have them try to take a guess at it.

“My ex wasn’t a nice guy,” Ryan says with a small shrug. “Was when we met, not so much later on. He worked for a gang that got wiped out when Thadeus took control of the northern part of the city. You probably knew them.”

“Not nice people,” Geoff agrees. No, they weren’t. “Thadeus wasn’t, either.”

“He hit me,” Ryan says. “He said it was fine because I liked that kind of thing. He talked down to me. Locked me in my own home. The usual stuff, I’m sure you don’t need a list.” This is, sure enough, met with a silence that agrees with him. “Oh, and got me addicted to cocaine. That was sweet of him. Sometimes he’d even let- you know what, nevermind.”

“We get it,” Jack murmurs quietly. “It’s okay.”

“A guy like that makes enemies- like you,” Ryan assures. “So one day, he gets his head blown off. Of course, I’m too whacked out of my mind to even notice. Instead of killing me, my boyfriend took me home and helped me out. I guess he took pity on me or something. We ended up dating and, eventually, getting married.”

“So, he’s your husband?” Geoff inquires.

“Yeah,” Ryan agrees and he laughs a little. “He says it kind of weirds him out, though. He prefers boyfriend.”

“Oh, uh,” Jack says awkwardly. “Sorry about, uh, suggesting he- you know.”

“Abuses me?” Ryan reminds them sharply. “Yeah. Forget about it.” It’s cute how they like to run their mouths about things they know nothing about. Ryan likes it. Great people. He loves it when he gets that little nagging in his head that makes him doubt his boyfriend until he’s a useless, burden of a mess again. It’s great.

“Your boyfriend, he kills people too, then?” Gavin asks, urgent to change the topic. Oh sure, it’s such an awkward topic for _them_ to have to discuss.

“Of course,” Ryan scoffs. “This is Los Santos. You think I pay for a two story house and yard installing pools?” His extra job made it a little more comfy for them and gave Ryan something to do so he wasn’t sitting around all the time.

“He works for a gang, then?” Geoff asks.

“No,” Ryan snorts a laugh. “He _hates_ gangs. If he found out you were manipulating me like this, he’d kill you.” They chuckle awkwardly.

“Real funny, Ryan,” Michael insists.

“Uh huh,” Ryan replies. Oh, his boyfriend could eradicate a gang in days. The gang before Thadeus? They never stood a chance. Thadeus? Definitely never stood a chance. These assholes? Ryan laughs a little.

“That _was_ a joke, right, Ryan?” Jeremy confirms. Ryan doesn’t say anything.

“Ryan?”

\- x -

‘Bringing a live one.’

Oh good, he was just starting to run low and after making a pot of soup, he's just about out of filling meat. This is actually good timing. Ryan makes sure the door is open when they arrive as to hurriedly get them out of sight of the neighbors. Live ones are always easier to handle, anyways. Sure enough, Michael and Geoff hurry in escorting a fellow who's been bound and gagged for proper transport. As always, the rest of the crew is right on their tail. Ryan closes the door behind them.

“Alright, Ryan,” Jack says with a small grin. “We're counting on you this time. It's pertinent that no one knows this guy is dead at least for a few weeks, yeah? That means absolutely no body.” That's really not a problem. With his boyfriend's appetite lately, it'll be gone in a couple days at most. Ryan looks the guy over, angrily squirming as he tries to get free.

“You did say alive was better, right?” Michael reminds him with a sharp smile as if Ryan is regretting that now. The only thing he's regretting is having to deal with them. Alive is always better. Ryan looks down at him questioningly though and Michael gives him an irritated look. “ _What_?”

“You smell like blood,” Ryan murmurs. He doesn’t look injured but that's definitely a pretty potent blood smell and it's definitely coming from Michael. The lad jolts in surprise, very suddenly exchanging startled looks with Jack before taking several steps away from Ryan.

“Stay away from me, you fucking freak,” Michael scoffs irritably, suddenly on the defensive. That was weird. Ryan was just making sure he didn’t need a first aid kit or something. Figures he shouldn’t have bothered.

“Speaking of smells, something smells good,” Geoff comments, immediately wandering to the kitchen.

“Something does smell good,” Lindsay hums in agreement. Obviously this leads them all to piling into his kitchen. Honestly, are they attached at the hip? It seems like none of them are more than a few feet away from each other. Ryan grabs the fresh meat by the back of the shirt and drags him into the kitchen with them. Geoff makes a beeline to the large pot sat on a gentle flame keeping it warm.

“Chicken soup?” Gavin asks excitedly.

“Not chicken,” Ryan assures.

“Well, you gonna offer us some?” Michael insists pointedly. He wasn’t going to, no. Ryan gives them a displeased look. He's not sure why they keep coming over to steal his food and he doesn't like this habit of it at all. They can cook their own food and if they can’t, that’s not his problem.

“Come on. We haven't eaten all day,” Lindsay says. “We were busy dealing with that asshole.” She gestures to the man still irritably trying to squirm free. Even if he did get free, no one's gotten away from Ryan’s house before and it's not going to happen today.

“Fine,” Ryan agrees shortly. Only because they've been supplying him with food lately. He knows they'll stop asking when they find out. They share similar content smiles as he grabs a stack of bowls from a cupboard and starts dishing out a bit of soup for each of them. Gladly, they sit around his kitchen to enjoy. With that dealt with, Ryan turns back to his livestock.

“So, you gonna show us how you do it, yet?” Gavin asks. Ryan glances at him curiously. “You know, get rid of the bodies.” They've already seen how he gets rid of the bodies. They're seeing it right now.

“I don’t care,” Ryan assures. He's going to go about his business and if they want to watch, that's up to them. It's not like he told them not to before. He crouches down to feel out the meat on this guy, palming his ribs and stomach, then his arms. The guy struggles fiercely but bound the way he is, he's not going anywhere. A little on the skinny side but there's some meat there. Plus he's already pretty well prepped for butchering which is always nice. Ryan checks his eyes to make sure they're clear. So far, none of the meat he's been brought has been bad which is a miracle in itself, honestly. None the less, he's been testing his boyfriend much more often to make sure. Better safe than sorry.

The guy nearly headbutts him and Ryan grabs him hard around the throat, pinching his arteries until he relaxes a little. These guys have already bruised him up but that's not a first. He returns to his counter to grab a knife and a tester kit before making a small cut to take a sample of blood. Good, he's clean too. Ryan puts the vials away for the time being and washes his hands in the sink before grabbing a pair of gloves. The guy is already back to squirming when he grabs some rope to tie his feet. Ryan straddles his legs to keep them still while he firmly ties his ankles together to hang him by later.

When they're alive, Ryan prefers waiting until they're dead to undress them as messy as it can be sometimes. It can get way too weird otherwise. He moves to press his knee to one side of the guys chest and with a firm push, breaks his shoulder. The pained muffle is, fortunately, very quiet. That's usually the concern working with live food. Ryan gives the other a similar treatment before untying his hands. Now much more still, it's easier to feel out the joints. One at a time, Ryan snaps the clavicle, elbow, and wrist of each arm before doing the same to each knee. That'll make it much easier later.

With that done, Ryan hoists him up by his ankles and hangs him on the hook. He kicks the blood basin under him and takes up his knife again. Admittedly, being able to buy a nice new knife set has made things much easier on him. It only takes an effortless jerk with the new, razor sharp blade to sever the veins, arteries, and trachea. Blood immediately begins to flow in gushes. Ryan drops his knife in the sink and pulls his gloves off before washing both again. So far the crew isn’t particularly bothered by any of this but then again, they're too busy stuffing their faces like always.

“How long does it take to bleed out like that?” Jeremy asks curiously. Ryan glances at the body, already effectively dead, before shrugging a bit.

“Completely? A couple minutes when they're alive. They're actually dead within seconds, though,” he assures. Ryan learned most of his butchering techniques from actual butchers but over the years, he's had to alter things to suit his different meat better. There's safety and animal well being and the whole cruelty thing to worry about with animals. Ryan saves so much time not caring about suffering or ‘awareness’. The guy was dead in seconds and now his pain means nothing.

Besides, the crew probably tormented him way more than Ryan ever could.

“Huh. Messy, though,” Jack murmurs as Ryan gets himself a snack from the fridge to enjoy while he waits. That's what the basin is for; contain the mess. “What about all the blood?”

“Bake it usually,” Ryan says, munching on a few carrots. Even now, none of them make any wise connections. “Five liters of blood is only about a cup once it's dehydrated.” After that, he can use it for whatever he wants. Otherwise, it's a good egg substitute in recipes. His boyfriend loves the brownies his makes with it.

“Easier to hide a cup than five liters,” Geoff nods thoughtfully. “Fucking weird, but useful.” Uh huh, weird. Ryan makes no comment, simply shrugging nonchalantly as they continue scarfing down soup.

“How do you even come up with this weird shit?” Michael asks. “Are you just throwing things in your oven to find out what works?” Kind of like that. It was a lot of trial and error in the beginning. He had to do something to stop his boyfriend from just eating raw flesh, though. It wasn’t healthy.

“Internet,” Ryan answers with a shrug. There are a lot of good recipes on there. Also strange recipes. He had a way harder time figuring out what to do with eyes than reproductive organs. People will eat anything. His boyfriend especially will eat anything. To this day Ryan has no idea why. It doesn’t seem to be a compulsion- just preference.

“Ryan,” his boyfriend calls from upstairs. The entire crew freezes. “Who are you talking to?”

“Some people from work are over, dear,” Ryan calls back.

“Oh,” is the quieter reply. “Hey Ryan’s work friends.” The crew replies with off set hellos in response, immediately on their best behavior. With the amount of nyquil his boyfriend is on, he didn't expect him to be up so soon. “I'd come down but I'm like ‘vomit in your lap’ sick.”

“That's okay,” Jack says sweetly. “You rest.”

“You didn't tell us he was actually home,” Geoff hisses under his breath.

“Shut up,” Ryan scoffs back. “He lives here. I don’t have to tell you anything.”

“Ryan,” his boyfriend whines in a stuffy voice. “‘m sorry, but could you bring me some more soup, man? I'm starving.”

“Of course, dear,” Ryan assures. He dishes up another hearty bowl of soup before grabbed a sleeve of crackers and heading for the stairs. He pauses a moment to give the others are warning glare before continuing on his way. It's pretty hard to disturb his boyfriend but if they do while he's this sick, they're next on the menu. He trots up the stairs and into the bedroom to find his boyfriend wrapped up tightly in a blanket and looking just as miserable as before.

“Here you go,” Ryan smiles a bit, handing him the bowl. His boyfriend sniffles.

“Thanks man, I'm so fucking high I don’t think I could get down the stairs,” he grumbles.

“It's okay. That's what I'm here for. Let me know if the noise downstairs bothers you,” Ryan insists. “They can leave.”

“It’s fine,” he promises tiredly. “You do your work thing. I'm just gonna be up here. Dying. Slowly.”

“Maybe next time you'll wear a jacket when you're outside at night on a roof in the snow,” Ryan says pointedly.

“How dare you,” he grumbles. “I am dying and you choose now to kinkshame me?” Ryan chuckles a little and gives him a soft kiss on the face that his boyfriend grumbles about.

“Let me know if you need anything else,” Ryan assures.

“Thanks babe,” his boyfriend says fondly. Ryan heads back downstairs to find them whispering among themselves less than discreetly and he slows a bit.

“No fucking way. I was here for two fucking seconds and he fucking smelled my vag. I'm staying right fucking here and finishing my soup,” Michael gruffs irritably.

“Jeremy,” Geoff says quickly. “Get up there.”

“Uh? No?” Jeremy replies. “No, no. I'm fine.” It seems none of them have an immediate death wish.

“ _Jeremy_ ,” Geoff repeats. Ryan decides to head back into the kitchen before this goes any further. Sure enough, they all hush up. He looks them over mildly but makes no comment about what he overheard. It'd be best if they stayed as far away from his boyfriend as possible for their own benefit.

Instead, Ryan moves to check his meat. He pulls the neck injury open a bit to make sure most of the blood has drained before deeming it good enough. A little blood doesn’t hurt anything after all. Ryan rummages around to find the stuff he needs and sets it out on the counter so he won't have to go looking for it later. He's gotten quite good at this, it only takes him about an hour or so to completely prepare a body depending on the size. Finally with his scissors he cuts away the bloodied clothing and neatly bags it up.

A better look at the meat offers some less than pleasing signs. There's stitches near the stomach that hopefully is from an injury and not internal surgery. Ryan pulls it down off the hook and moves the now lighter body to the counter. Occasionally they'll be too heavy and he has to piece them up on the floor but Ryan has learned to keep every bit of his kitchen clean. His boyfriend is much better at it though, he knows how to get the really stubborn spots out.

With his nice, heavy clever, Ryan separates the head from the neck right between two bits of spine. He sets it aside for now to deal with later. The already broken shoulder bones make it much easier to roll against the socket and sever cleanly at the joint, as well. A sickening crack of it giving way assures him it's in good health at least. The same can be said for the elbow that he pops apart to cut the arm in two. He sets both pieces aside with the head to do the same to the other arm.

Gavin gets to his feet suddenly. He looks a little nauseous but obviously is trying to hold it back. Ryan hasn’t even gotten to the organs yet. All the same, Gavin quickly takes his bowl of soup and hurriedly exits the kitchen without a word. That boy better not throw up in his house. Ryan turns back to his task. He pushes the body further up and makes a deep cut between the pelvis and femur. With it exposed a little, he can snap it out of place and cut it free from the joint. He repeats this on the other leg. For now, he returns the legs back to the hook on the wall where they're out of the way.

Ryan readjusts the torso to sit evenly on the counter so he can begin working on it. With his hand torch, he burns away all the little hairs carefully; they’re not very pleasant to eat. Lindsay makes a ‘yuck’ face and she takes her bowl to go join Gavin. He's sure the only reason Jack is still here is because she's not paying much attention. That ends quickly. Ryan takes his knife to remove the penis and Jeremy makes a startled ‘ _ahp hop_ ’ noise. Jack and he both immediately pale in the face then they're both heading out of the room. Then there were two. Geoff cringes a little but otherwise isn’t bothered. Michael helps himself to some more soup.

Honestly, he hasn’t even gotten to the bad parts yet. There's still organs to pull out and skinning to do. Ryan makes a cut from the top of the neck all the way down to flay open the torso. Ribs always give him a hard time but Ryan has found out it’s usually not too hard to go around them. He'll have to get something to cut through them one day. For now, he simply works on the gutting. He starts pulling out the easy bits, cutting them free with his knife and tossing them into the sink for a washing. Most of them come out pretty easy; the liver and kidneys and such. The intestines require more effort and he has to be careful with the stomach.

Neither Michael or Geoff are phased. Michael seems to be truly unphased, just standing near by thoughtlessly as he enjoys his soup. Geoff obviously isn't this nonchalant. He's stopped eating and his knuckles are white whether he realises this or not. Honestly, how is this worse than bloody, screaming torture? At least this guy is dead and mostly blood free. That should be better, right?

“So what do you do with them when you're done taking it apart?” Michael asks as Ryan starts trying to pull the lungs out from under the ribcage.

“Store the pieces in the basement until we're ready to eat them,” Ryan says simply. Michael snorts a laugh.

“I guess you can't give away all your secrets,” he murmurs, slurping down another meaty bite of soup.

“Oh yeah,” Ryan agrees. “Then I'd have to kill you or something.”

“‘Or something’?” Michael repeats in amusement.

“I could make you watch Space Jam three nights in a row,” Ryan assures, palming the rubbery heart in his hand. “Pure torture.”

“Oh no, what would I do,” Michael replies sarcastically. Ryan couldn't make it any more obvious if he tried. These guys are idiots. All the better for him, he supposes. The longer this goes on, the funnier it's going to be when they find out. Funny for Ryan at least.

Maybe he'll make stuffed lung tomorrow. These are nice.

\- x -

“Whoa, what happened to your face?” Geoff asks. Ryan stares at him irritably.

“Get out,” he says harshly.

“What? We're both guys here,” Geoff assures. “Those look nice on you.” Ryan glares at him so coldly, he wisely decides to take this advice. He disappears back behind the door but unfortunately doesn’t leave. “I'll be honest dude, when I came in here I figured you were buying a gift for your little side girlfriend not trying on lacy underwear.”

“Stop following me,” Ryan snaps back at him, hurriedly changing out of the frilly piece and back into his boxers. Of course he shows up _now_. Ryan's not sure why he thought he wouldn't. Geoff has the worse timing in the world.

“I didn’t,” he assures again. “I found you then came here.” Oh yeah because that's better. “Really though, what's with your face?” He's talking about the black eye- or he'd better be at least.

“It's a sex thing,” Ryan grumbles reluctantly simply for the fact that he doesn’t need them thinking anything else.

“I don’t even know why I asked,” Geoff murmurs. Yeah, Ryan doesn't either. One day these idiots will get ‘masochist’ through their thick skulls. So he likes to be hit sometimes. Sometimes in the face. What of it? His boyfriend probably knows his limits better than Ryan himself does.

“What do you want this time?” Ryan snaps at him through the door. “And why couldn't it wait?”

“Hey, if it helps, you looked good in those,” Geoff compliments again. Ryan's going to murder him. Just straight up murder in the middle of a lingerie store. “Sides, might as well get something for Jack and Lindsay while I'm here.”

“ _Geoff_ ,” Ryan says tensely, urgently pulling his pants back on. All he wanted was to surprise his boyfriend with something nice when he got back. He's been working very hard lately, not to mention putting up with Ryan's ‘weird’ behavior, and definitely deserves something nice. Geoff sure as hell isn’t going to ruin this.

“Alright, alright,” Geoff insists. “We're friends, right?”

“No,” Ryan says shortly as he pushes the changing room door open and gives Geoff a cold stare.

“Exactly and friends do things for each other, right?” Geoff pushes on, following Ryan back out into the store.

“We're not friends,” Ryan snaps again. He doesn’t let Geoff bother him regardless of how this must look to other people. If it wasn't obviously before, it is now, he's definitely buying these for himself.

“So I need you to do something for me,” Geoff says. Oh what a surprise. For being ‘friends’ it always seems like Ryan is the one giving. As he continues his browsing for something that fits a little better, Geoff browses with him. Of course he has to make this weird. “How do you feel about being on a heist?”

“No,” Ryan replies immediately.

“You'll be fine. We just need someone to handle some explosives and look, Matt has twitchy fingers,” Geoff murmurs. Ryan doesn’t even know who Matt is. “I'll pay you.”

“I've never worked with explosive before,” Ryan scoffs. Honestly, he kills and he butchers. That's it. He doesn’t even like guns. The only reason he even knows how to fire a shotgun is because his boyfriend insisted. He's a knife guy.

“If you can press a button, you can do this,” Geoff promises. “You're the only guy we trust for something like this. Trust me, if I had anyone else I would be on them in an instant but I don't.”

“Sucks for you,” Ryan grumbles. He's already pressing his luck as it is lying about working for Geoff. The last thing he needs is to get chased by a bunch of cops on live tv.

“You think Jack would like these?” Geoff asks curiously, holding up a pair of lacey, crotchless panties.

“The only reason I haven't sold you out to the police yet is because that would put my boyfriend and I at risk, too,” Ryan assures. “Trust someone else.”

“That's why I like you, Ryan,” Geoff says. “You're smart. Like I said, we'll pay you. You'll get a cut just like everyone else. Way more than what we've been paying you.”

“What makes you even think I need more money?” Ryan scoffs. They've been paying him _very_ well. He and his boyfriend could stop working and live comfortably for many years.

“Everyone wants more money, buddy,” Geoff promises. “It's an easy job, come on. You set up some explosives, you blow some explosives, you go home. What kind of deal do I have to make with you?” He's just not going to let this go, is he? Ryan gives him an irritated look.

“Fine,” Ryan grumbles. “If we're ‘friends’ I'll do a favor for you if you do one for me.”

“Now we're talking. What can I do for you, baby?” Geoff asks.

“Firstly, never call me baby again. I will punch you,” Ryan says mildly.

“That's fair. To be honest, that was weird for me, too. Dunno why I did it,” he murmurs.

“Thadeus, you know where he's hiding don't you,” Ryan says.

“Not yet,” Geoff replies, much more serious this time. “Why? What do you know about him?”

“Nothing that concerns you,” Ryan assures him sharply. “If you find him first, I get him. That's the deal.” Geoff looks him over, perhaps trying to decipher what Ryan would want with a guy like that. A lot of things, really. In fact, Ryan doubts there’s anyone in this city that wouldn’t love to get their hands on that guy.

“You gonna kill him?” he asks. Ryan laughs.

“No,” he assures. “Anniversary present.” Geoff takes this exactly the way Ryan means it; Thadeus did his boyfriend real wrong. He nods agreeably.

“That's a lot to ask for,” Geoff says. “You officially join the crew and it's a deal.”

“Fine,” Ryan agrees. It's worth it. Besides, if things go bad he'll just sick his boyfriend on them. Geoff holds his hand out to shake and Ryan accepts it stiffly. If these idiots find Thadeus by some miracle, his boyfriend is going to be a very happy man.

“Really though, I don’t want a black eye, too,” Geoff says. “You think these would make Jack mad? They're cute, right?”

“Stop talking to me,” Ryan replies.

\- x -

Wow. Ryan did not know he could hate these people any more. He's not going to explain this to his boyfriend. There's no way. Ryan doesn’t even want to look at his reflection yet because he knows it's bad. It’s so bad. He can still feel the blood dripping off his face and there's just so much of it. There's no way his face isn’t permanently ruined.

“Um, are you alright, Ryan?” Jeremy asks. Ryan looks at him sourly. Oh yes, his face is supposed to have this much shrapnel in it and be bleeding this much. Totally normal. “Right, well, just hang on, buddy. Jack’ll help you when she gets here.” If she gets here. They were instructed to meet up at literally the worst place possible; a cabin near the top of MT Chiliad. Obviously they've used this place lots before because Ryan’s blood isn’t the only blood here. Hopefully they get mauled by cougars on the way up.

The only upside is that he's pretty sure he didn’t end up on camera. They injured him so impossibly quickly that Ryan has been trying to stop the bleeding all night which means he doubts many people saw his face. It was truly incredible how quickly they almost killed him. He can barely believe it. If he'd been any closer or if the shrapnel had been any bigger, he'd certainly be dead. Safety first! His head gear protected his ears and his eyes and nothing between his nose and chin.

“Do you, uh, want another towel?” Jeremy offers. The one he has is completely soaked in blood. Ryan looks at it unhappily and tries to gauge how much blood he's actually lost. Quite a lot. He's not light headed yet but that could be because he's so irrationally angry. Or rationally angry, actually. Completely rational.

“Oooor not. I'll just-” Jeremy gestures to another part of the room and quickly excuses himself away from Ryan. A wise decision. What is he going to tell his boyfriend? He's supposed to be working on a pool. These lies are already way too big. His boyfriend's not going to believe he got this injured digging a hole.

“What the fuck! What the hell is wrong with you‽” Michael shouts as he enters the cabin.

“It was an accident!” Gavin squawks in reply. “I didn’t know you could bloody detonate C4 with a gunshot!”

“Why were you shooting the C4‽” Jack demands. “No one was shooting! There was no need for shooting yet!”

“I wasn't!” Gavin promises. “The safety was off! Blame Geoff! He handed me the gun!”

“Oh, I blame Geoff too!” Michael barks. “No one should ever hand you a fucking gun!” Lindsay drops the money on the table and flops down tiredly in a chair, holding her head in her hands.

“Look, we got the damn money, what's the problem?” Gavin insists. They didn't even get that much money. Most of it went up with the explosion. Jack points at Ryan angrily, gesturing to his blood soaked face in a sharp movement.

“Look what you did to Ryan, Gavin!” she snaps. Gavin approaches him to examine his face a little closer as if he can’t already see it well enough. It’s only the entire bottom half of his face that’s shredded to pieces. Geoff enters in behind them and closes the door tight, immediately beelining for the booze.

“Oi, it's not that bad,” Gavin assures, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “It'll make you look defined or rugged or whatever.” ‘Or whatever’. Ryan grabs him. He wraps both of his bloody hands around Gavin's throat with force, startling the lad and making Gavin squawk like a bird in panic. “Help! Help! Get him off!”

“Ryan!” Jack yelps. “Ryan no!” Immediately she moves to try to ply them apart. Michael quickly rushes over to help, struggling to break Ryan’s rage grip. Jack managing to get her fingers underneath his is probably the only thing stopping Ryan from just smashing his windpipe.

“Oh no,” Geoff says sarcastically as he downs a shot. “He's hurting Gavin. Someone do something.”

“Geoff!” Jack barks at him angrily. “Ryan, let go! I'm sorry but you can't kill Gavin!” Oh, he absolutely can. He can break his neck like a twig.

“Not yet, anyways,” Michael scoffs. Gavin flails about wildly, trying to get himself free in a loud mess of limbs and high pitched noises. Jeremy quickly joins the fray to try to help as well, pushing at Ryan as best he can to try to get them apart. Ryan isn’t letting go. It’s going to take a lot more of them than that to pry anything from his hands. Geoff sighs loudly.

“Let go, Ryan,” he says firmly. Ryan will let go. He'll let go when Gavin is fucking death blue. Geoff pulls his gun out, pointing it firmly at Ryan’s head. “Let. Go.” Ryan has to think about it for a moment. In the end, he begrudgingly let's go and Gavin quickly yanks away before high tailing it behind Geoff for safety. He pants for air back and Ryan angrily shakes the other three off him.

“Bloody hell,” Gavin rasps. “Violent fellow, isn’t he?”

“Gavin,” Geoff says tiredly. “Ryan gets your cut. He's gonna need it to fix his face.”

“Ah, weak,” Gavin murmurs. Ryan really doesn’t think he understands how close he was to dying just now.

“Shut the hell up,” Michael snaps at him. “Fucking idiot.” Jack sits herself beside Ryan and tentatively looks at his face. Ryan lets out an unhappy growl but he knows he's not going to be able to fix it up himself. She pushes his hair back.

“Someone grab me a new first aid kit,” she sighs. “And some morphine.”

“No,” Ryan says shortly. “No drugs.”

“Don’t make this weird, please,” Jack insists. Ryan gives her a nasty look.

“I'm a recovering drug addict,” he reminds her sourly.

“Oh. Uh, right. Sorry,” she murmurs. “Then, just a first aid kit.” Adrenaline and pure rage has him numb anyways. “This might hurt a little.” More than getting a face full of explosion in the first place? He doubts it. Gavin rubs his neck faintly.

“That was scary,” he comments. “Always figured he was more bark than bite.” Ryan will show him a fucking bite. Jeremy hurries over with a little first aid kit and Jack tries to mop up some more blood before examining his face carefully. Some of the pieces are very in there, Ryan can feel them, and he's not going to be happy about getting them out.

“Alright,” Jack murmurs as she pulls on a pair of gloves. “Let me know if you need a breather.”

“Just get this over with,” Ryan grumbles back. His boyfriend's gonna kill him. Jack nods agreeably and sets to work pulling bits of shrapnel out of his face. It stings a little but not nearly enough to really be painful for him. He has a pretty high tolerance for pain in the first place. Jack winces now and again as she pulls out some of the bigger pieces and drops them in a bowl. This only makes more blood flow, adding to the stains on his clothes. He can never wear these again. If they keep this up, he’ll actually have to go clothes shopping or something,

“Shit,” Geoff grumbles as he rifles through their goods. “Is this all of it?”

“We lost the other bag when the fucking cops wiped out our bike,” Michael says irritably. And yet, they’re fine and Ryan is bleeding enough to make multiple batches of cookies. Geoff rubs his temples in his hands.

“Well, this has been a huge bust,” he concludes. Yeah, Ryan figured that out when they tried to murder him with C4. He never wants to be part of a heist ever again. Especially not one with Gavin in it. He likes not dying, thanks.

“Easy,” Jack says suddenly and Ryan flinches when she pushes the needle through his skin to start stitching him up. He grunts unhappily but leaves her to work. At this point, he just hopes it doesn’t get infected or something. He pulls his phone out of his pocket. He's got to tell his boyfriend about this now. If he just comes home injured it's going to be way worse than it already is.

“You, uh, still haven't told your boyfriend you're working for us, huh?” Jack asks quietly, glancing at his phone a bit.

“No,” Ryan says.

“Sorry,” she murmurs. They're gonna be real sorry if they keep this up, that's for sure. If he can't convince his boyfriend this was a completely random accidental, they're going to be a lot more sorry a lot sooner.

>Ryan: Don’t panic but I got into a bit of an accident. I'm in the hospital right now. Nothing you need to come home for but just don't be surprised when you get back, okay?

He is so fucked.

\- x -

On the upside, his boyfriend was so worried he didn't even ask too much about what happened. Once he realised Ryan was fine, just looks a little different now, he found it way too funny. Ryan is just glad he didn't take it too seriously. They'll heal up eventually but he'll probably have scars for the rest of his life. It looks like he tried to make out with a whirling blade device.

On an even nicer upside, the FAKE crew hasn't bothered him in nearly three weeks. In fact, he hasn’t heard a peep from them aside from the usual check and the drop off of bodies in the middle of the night. Obviously they're waiting for him to calm down again and to see if he's angry enough to turn on them. He’s not yet. He's still upset about his face but he thinks he'll get over it. As long as his boyfriend doesn’t mind, Ryan doesn't.

This can't last forever unfortunately. Ryan only doesn’t ignore the call because he knows from experience that doesn’t work. They'll just keep calling and eventually show up probably.

“Hey buddy, how's your face?” Geoff greets.

“Shut up. What do you want,” Ryan gruffs back.

“Honestly, how are you always in a bad mood? Even Michael is sometimes in a good mood,” Geoff insists. Ryan was in a great mood up until Geoff called him. It's weird how his mood plummets when someone calls wanting something ridiculous after nearly killing him with the last dumb idea.

“Are you just calling to say ‘hi’?” Ryan asks pointedly.

“Maybe,” Geoff replies.

“I'm hanging up,” Ryan assures. He _always_ wants something. Unsurprisingly, that's the case today, too.

“Someone says they know where Brownman is,” Geoff says. If that's the case, someone's about to be very, very dead. “We're going to meet up with them now and would appreciate it if you came.” He's going to come simply because he needs to know if this person really does know where Brownman is. Obviously he'd never let Geoff have it that easy, though.

“Why do I need to come?” Ryan asks shortly. It's also a good question, though. If they think this is a trap, he sure as hell wants nothing to do with it.

“Numbers,” Geoff assures. “Plus, you're a big dude. I don’t know if you know this but I don't exactly have a lot of intimidating looking people in my crew. They're mean as hell but not much to show for. You ever met a chihuahua?”

“A what?” Ryan replies.

“What?” Geoff murmurs. “I was joking. You really don't know what a chihuahua is?”

“No?” Ryan says shortly.

“It's- really? Where the hell are you from, man? It's a tiny dog. Looks real cute, usually isn't,” Geoff explains. “We're taking a pit stop at the pet store! Ryan doesn’t know what a chihuahua is!”

“That sounds like your crew,” Ryan agrees.

“Thanks? Rude?” Geoff says. “We'll swing by to grab you in a few minutes. Just- I was gonna say look intimidating but I think you got that down already.”

“Like a doberman,” Jack says in the background. “Looks mean, usually isn't.”

“Or a wolf,” Gavin grumbles. “Looks mean, probably thinking about murdering you.”

“Be ready,” Geoff instructs. Ryan hangs up. He severely doubts these people know where his boyfriend is but it doesn’t hurt to be sure. His boyfriend is very good about not being found if he doesn't want to be; Ryan knows that first hand. He rummages through some of his boyfriend's things to find the little handgun always around just in case. Now seems as good of a time as any for it, right? Ryan empties the bullets out of it and awkwardly fixes it in the waistband of his pants before grabbing the extra brownies from the kitchen.

Fortunately, his boyfriend is out on a job in town so Ryan’s sure he'll be back before he finishes up. As long as things go according to plan at least which they never do so Ryan’s not sure why he's expecting them to. He does send a quick text just in case, assuring his boyfriend he's going to be out of the house for a while. He just has to not get hurt like last time and everything will be fine.

Ryan rubs his stitches irritably.

\- x -

“I didn’t know they were real,” Ryan grumbles. “They're so small, I thought they were a joke. Like, the only time I ever heard of chihuahuas was back in Georgia when there'd be warnings about alligators or whatever.”

“Dude, really?” Michael laughs. “Even I'm not that dumb.”

“Haven't you ever seen Beverly Hills Chihuahua?” Lindsay insists.

“Yes, unfortunately. That movie is like ninety percent cgi, though. Why would I assume they were real!” Ryan huffs. “What a stupid looking dog. It's so tiny.”

“They used real chihuahuas for that movie!” Geoff assures, laughing up a storm.

“So you're telling me, you've _never_ seen a chihuahua in person before? Never?” Jeremy asks. They're just getting a total kick out of this. How was Ryan supposed to know?

“Never,” he confirms. Animals tend to like him way too much and Ryan tries to avoid them when possible. He used to get followed home by farm animals all the time and they were usually gross. Stray dogs, also usually gross. When you're six and a giant, dirty dog knocks you down and eats your lunch you tend to shy away from animals.

“You are truly an enigma of a man, Ryan,” Jack chuckles. If by that she means he is a person and not a gay, serial killing stereotype then yes, she'd be right. Ryan’s sure he knows of a few things they would be surprised existed too. Flamingos? Those are fucking weird. Small, gender fluid boyfriends that eat people? Ryan's favorite.

“Alright, we're coming up on the meet spot,” Geoff informs. Ryan peers out the front window curiously while the others get ready. They're not here for a fire fight but they'll definitely have one if they need to. Ryan’s sure as hell not going to stick around for that. He'd probably get shot by his own crew more than the other one. As he peers out to the awaiting crew, Ryan spots a familiar blonde head.

Oh no.

“Ryan?” Geoff asks curiously as Ryan urgently yanks himself behind the seat. That's his girlfriend. That is, without a question, his girlfriend. Oh no. That's his girlfriend and here he is with a gang of wannabe man hunters trying to find her for god knows what reason. Shit. Fuck. What does he do? Is this a trap? Is she here to murder them? If this crew knows she's Brownman, then it's definitely a trap. If they don't, then it's her trap and she's expecting them to kill each other probably. Fuck.

“Dude is having like a panic attack or something,” Michael murmurs. “Hey. You alright?” Ryan grabs Jack's purse.

“Ryan, what are you-” Jack asks curiously. Ryan hurriedly rifles through her things. Fortunately there's plenty of make up in here. He absolutely can not let his girlfriend know he's here. She'll skin him. Hickeys, gotta hide the hickeys. Face, gotta hide that, too. There is not enough make up in the world to hide these stitches.

“Ryan,” Jack sighs in annoyance. “That's ninety dollar lipstick. What are you doing?” Literally anything to hide his face. Sharp lines, abstract colours, anything so his face doesn’t look like his face. Geoff laughs.

“That's his little girlfriend, isn’t it?” he says and everyone immediately lurches to the front of the van to see. “It totally is. Holy shit, she's a gang banger, too? You're like a crime magnet.”

“She's cute!” Jeremy says. “Wow, I'm surprised.” Ryan gives him a nasty look. “I mean- I thought Geoff was being sarcastic when he said she was a hottie is all. Not that, uh, you know, you’re not a catch or anything. I’m gonna shut up.”

“Fuck that, I'm surprised,” Michael assures. “How's a freak like Ryan get a girl like that on the side?”

“I told you Ryan’s attractive,” Lindsay insists.

“Yeah but he's weird,” Gavin murmurs. They all turn to look at him and Ryan stubbornly doesn’t say anything. He knows this looks bad, he's crouched over smearing someone else's make up on his face like a two year old, but this doesn't count. This doesn’t make him weird. They all look away again.

“Why don’t you want her to see you, Ryan?” Jack asks. What a stupid question. Even if that was some girl he was cheating on his boyfriend with, why would he want her to know he's hanging out with a different crew?

“You know what, don't even ask,” Geoff says. “If you're ready Mr. Halloween, can we get on with this?” If he wasn't dead before he definitely is now. His girlfriend is going to be so mad he let these guys take advantage of him like this. She'll never let him leave the house again. As they all file out of the van, Ryan reluctantly follows. He tries to stay behind Jack, she's the only one tall enough to hide him, but he doesn't feel like this does him many favors.

“At least he looks scary,” Geoff murmurs as they approach the other crew.

“Yeah, like a fucking funhouse,” Michael scoffs.

“Ramsey! We almost thought you were gonna change your mind,” their apparent leader grins. Ryan tries not to flinch away when his girlfriend looks directly at him. She stares at him way too long for her not to know it's him.

“Just making sure you check out,” Geoff promises. He laughs a little. “You better not have been lying about this Brownman thing. My time is very expensive.”

“Sure, sure,” the leader agrees with a grin that is just as sharp as Geoff’s; a knife fight without any knives. Ryan shifts a bit further behind Jack as his girlfriend leans in to whisper to their leader. He nods agreeably to whatever it is. “If you have the money, I know where Brownman is.”

“Nice try,” Geoff replies. “You don’t get money until I see Brownman. If I just fling money at any ol’ half witt gang telling lies where would I be?” Their leader's grin falls a little and he becomes far more defensive.

“I'm not selling you Brownman,” he says. “I'm selling you information. What you do with it is your problem.”

“If it's good intel then you won't mind if we check it out,” Geoff assures. He gestures over and both Lindsay and Jeremy pop open their briefcases of money to promise that they at least have it. That’s not to say they’re willing to part with it. “Trust me, I'm willing to pay if you know what you say you know.” His girlfriend leans in again. She's definitely orchestrating this, of that Ryan has no doubt.

“I'm not a fool, Ramsey,” their leader barks. “You don’t get jack shit until I'm far away from you with cash in hand.”

“Then we're at a stalemate, aren’t we?” Geoff says. “Because you're not getting anything until I know you're good on your word. I _will_ find Brownman on my own. I don’t _need_ you or your bullshit.” Again, his girlfriend whispers to him quietly and he grinds his teeth. Ryan is certain they don't know she's Brownman. If that was the case, they'd sell her out in a heartbeat. Brownman isn’t exactly a kind word in people's mouths. Ryan leans in to Jack a little and she jumps.

“Jesus- Ryan-” she says under her breath. “Don’t do that.”

“They're bluffing,” he murmurs. “They're not going to tell us where Brownman is.” If anything, his girlfriend is just trying to make off with both of their money.

“Are you sure?” Jack asks cautiously. “If this goes bad, it's going very bad.” If she's concerned about his girlfriend, she shouldn't be. The second shit kicks off, she'll be long gone.

“I'm sure,” Ryan promises. Jack nods agreeably before moving to relay this information to Geoff. His girlfriend looks at him suspiciously. Welp, that's definitely going to blow his cover if he hadn't yet.

“What does a guy like you even want with someone like Brownman, anyways?” the leader asks as Jack whispers to Geoff. Geoff gestures them to close up the money again. He sighs a little, sticking his hands in his pockets and rocking back on his heels. For a final time, his girlfriend leans in to speak with him before heading for their own truck. Oh, she's gone now. She knows when to fold.

“Me?” Geoff says. “Same thing anyone else wants, I guess. Which brings up a good point; if you know where Brownman is, why haven't you done anything about it?” Ryan decides to take his girlfriend’s hint and he turns to head back to the van before he gets caught up in a fight he can’t hold his own in. He really doesn’t like guns. Sure enough, he barely gets behind the van before gunfire starts. Hopefully this thing is bullet proof.

Ryan seriously doubts he's going to beat his girlfriend home now but it probably doesn't matter, anyways. Maybe she really didn't recognize him. Though fairly, he'd still recognize her in a full face of make up. What is he going to tell her? This isn't exactly easy to explain. ‘I got caught hunting and things went downhill from there oh also I've been lying to you for months sorry’. Ryan is already cringing at how angry she's going to be. He's surprised she didn't stop this entire exchange to yell at him.

“Well,” Geoff announces when the gunfire stops. “I think that went well. Everyone okay?”

“Where’s Ryan?” Jack questions.

“Hiding behind the fucking van like a bitch,” Michael assures.

“Take me home!” Ryan yells back. “Last time I was around you idiots and gunfire I ended up getting my face blown off!”

“That was once!” Gavin insists. “And not completely off. Some of it’s still there.”

“That was the only time!” Ryan snaps back. “One of one is not a good record! Take me home!”

“He's just mad we shot at his girlfriend,” Lindsay murmurs.

“I- didn't see her once the gunfight started, actually,” Jeremy mentions. She didn’t exactly sneak away but he supposes they were busy paying attention to other things. They're going to be seeing a whole lot more of her soon, that's not a problem.

\- x -

Ryan, sure enough, does not beat her home. His boyfriend is already out of his work clothes and standing in the kitchen when he gets back, munching on a left over brownie by the sink. He looks at him curiously when Ryan comes in the door and Ryan naturally flinches. It would be best if he just came out and said it but he also doesn't want to damn himself if he doesn't know yet.

“So,” his boyfriend says. “You wanna wash your face off or-?” Whoops. In retrospect, washing off the make up he tried to use to disguise himself before coming home probably would have been a good idea. He rubs his face a little, the makeup coming off on his palm, before frowning.

“Ray,” Ryan murmurs sadly. “I'm sorry.”

“It's alright, man,” Ray promises. “You didn't have to lie to me, you know. You're fucking grown, you can do whatever you want.”

“I definitely didn't _want_ to do any of this,” Ryan assures him. Ray raises a curious brow at him as Ryan wanders into the kitchen to clean his face off. “It's a long story.”

“I got time, man,” Ray assures. “Come on. I got some makeup wipes in the bathroom. You're not getting that off with water.” Ryan nods in agreement, sighing faintly. No, of course Ray isn’t going to be mad. He was just working himself up or nothing. At least he can relax a little now. He knows better than to think Ray would ever hurt him.

“Well, a while back I got caught trying to bring some dinner home,” Ryan murmurs as Ray digs through his makeup bag. He sits himself on the edge of the tub and his boyfriend helps wipe the lipstick off his face.

“Dude, I told you you didn't need to do stuff like that for me,” Ray says. “I can get my own food.”

“I know. They thought I was hunting their crew or something, I dunno. Maybe I was. They let me go after I promised to get rid of some bodies for them. Things sort of went downhill from there,” Ryan explains. Ray ruffles his hair as little before touching the still red scars on his face.

“You could have told me,” he assures.

“I didn’t want you to worry,” Ryan admits. “Then I'd didn't want you to be mad.”

“I'm not mad,” Ray assures him again. “And I'm only worried when you come home with fucking a hundred stitches in your face. I trust you, Ry. Whatever you're doing or whyever, whatever. Are you still working at Blue Haven?”

“No,” Ryan sighs. “I quit a while ago. I didn't like it anyways and Geoff was paying me really good.”

“Are they bothering you?” Ray asks. Ryan knows without fail that if he says yes, Ray will come at them with every intention of killing every last one of them. That doesn't strike him as a particularly bad idea, really.

“No,” Ryan murmurs. “I've been getting food from them. It's safer than what we were doing before.”

“Yeah? Cause your face tells a different story,” Ray points out. Ryan ruffles his hair between his hands with a frown.

“It's not that bad,” he insists. “It was an accident. I don’t know, Geoff keeps asking me to do this stuff for him. He says he can trust me and I guess he needs the extra help.”

“Geoff's been trying to find me for a while, Ryan,” Ray says. Ryan nods.

“I know. Shepard almost talked. That's how I found him. That's why I was out there today. I don’t know what he wants with you. He says you shot him and that he doesn’t want rogue snipers running around,” he says and he rubs his face in his hands. Ray leans down to kiss him softly. “I'm sorry, Ray. I thought I could handle this stuff but it got way out of hand so quickly.”

“Don’t worry about it, buddy,” Ray assures. “Shit happens.”

“What should I do?” Ryan asks.

“Well, that's up to you,” Ray murmurs. “What do you want to do?” Ryan puts his head in his hands and scrubs his face again tiredly. He’s not sure. It'll be easier now that Ray knows. He won't have to lie about where he's going or what he's doing. Hell, Ray can even help him now. If he stays with the crew, he can keep an eye on them for Ray. On the other hand, though, Ryan really isn’t crew material. He went to a gunfight with an unloaded gun. Not to mention they keep asking him to do things he's never done before. Where does that stop? Next thing he's gonna know Geoff’s going to be asking him to hunt down his own boyfriend or something. Ryan sighs loudly.

“I want you to tell me what to do,” he assures. “This isn't fun.”

“Alright buddy,” Ray grins softly. “How about you introduce me to your new friends? Then we can decide from there what to do.” That sounds like a good idea. Ryan nods. He knows even if worse comes to worse, Ray will be there to take care of him. Even if it's entirely Ryan’s own fault and he just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole. What a nightmare these last few weeks have been. Honestly, the worse part about it was having to keep lying to his boyfriend. The rest of it he can totally get over.

“I'll invite them over,” Ryan agrees. “I was going to make stir fry anyways.”

\- x -

They don’t have to be asked twice. Ryan sent Geoff a message saying his boyfriend wanted to meet them and Geoff replied immediately asking when. It's not like they have anything better to do anyways as they’ve proven repeatedly. So once again, Ryan finds himself cooking for the crew. He feels so much better about it this time knowing he doesn’t have to worry about his boyfriend finding out about it. In fact, he feels better just knowing his boyfriend is going to be around for it.

Ryan feels like he could stand Geoff and his idiot crew much better as long as Ray isn’t being kept out of the loop. He didn’t even realise how stressed out it was making him until right now. He can actually concentrate on something now instead of having to constantly fret about a thousand different things. Ryan forgot he actually _likes_ cooking. It's really relaxing when he's not grinding his teeth in his head.

“Hey Ry! Where's my work stick?” Ray asks from upstairs.

“Did you wash it again?” Ryan replies. He hears a muffled string of curses from the stairs. That's probably a yes, then. He should probably keep a backup of that thing. A knock distracts him long enough to stop his chopping and answer the door. Unfortunately, knowing they're coming over still instinctively makes him irate even if he technically invited them over. As soon as he opens the door, Geoff immediately let's himself in.

“Hey buddy. Glad you're finally letting us meet your elusive boyfriend,” he smiles lazily as he holds up the bottle he's brought with him. “I brought champagne. Expensive.”

“My boyfriend doesn’t drink,” Ryan reminds him flatly. Surely he’s told him this before. “Neither do I.” Geoff frowns a little.

“You're so weird,” he murmurs as he wanders into the house. “I guess I'll just have to drink it myself.”

“Geoff, you are not drinking that by yourself,” Jack assures him shortly, following him in. “Hey Ryan. Thanks for having us over. I brought cherry pie. Vegan, of course.” She holds it up sweetly before trailing after Geoff. Well that’s probably going to be gross. Ryan’s not eating that.

“I know you don’t drink,” Jeremy says. “I brought cider. Apple, grape, and crancherry!” He shows him the bottle before stalking in and Michael follows close behind with several more bottles. He just huffs and gives Ryan a nod as he passes by.

“Uh,” Gavin murmurs. “I wore trousers? I didn't know I was supposed to bring anything.” Uh huh. This isn't a party. There's just a lot of them and they're idiots who think this is going to go well. Gavin quickly slides by Ryan to assure he isn’t grabbed after what happened last time. Ryan’s alright with this. Lindsay follows up the rear.

“I brought flowers,” she smiles. “Here you go.” He doesn’t want these. Ryan takes the rather large assortment when she shoves it into his hands though and closes the door behind them. They all look around curiously to find his boyfriend even less discreet than usual.

“So?” Geoff asks. “Where is he?”

“I'm going to go put these in water,” Ryan says. “They're here, dear!”

“Okay, cool!” Ray calls back. Ryan heads back to the kitchen, finding something at least semi-vase like to put the flowers in. His boyfriend likes roses but usually one at a time is enough. It's too bad he didn't keep that skull to put these in. That would be neat. Instead, he sets them in an old pickle jar and places them out of the way for now. That is a lot of flowers.

“Ray‽” Michael shouts. Ryan fluffs the flowers up a little curiously but they’re pretty perky on their own already. He guesses they’re fine. “What the fuck! _You're_ Ryan’s boyfriend‽”

“Michael? Do you- know him?” Jack asks. Carefully, Ryan crouches down to pull his shotgun out from under the sink where it sits neatly in its place. It’s been awhile since he’s had to use it, honestly. In fact, he’s pretty sure the last time was on a rabid deer that had found its way into their back yard.

“This is fucking Brownman!” Michael snaps. “I thought you were fucking dead, Ray!” He digs a box of shells out from the nearby drawer and pops them in as he heads back towards the living room.

“I told you that was a good question!” Gavin yelps. “I bloody told you!”

“Whoa! Hey now!” Geoff says quickly. “Let's calm down!” When Ryan cocks his shotgun, they all jump and urgently move to put some room between him and them. Ray holds Michael hostage at gunpoint just in case, stood so perfectly behind him it would be way too much of a risk to even try. With Ryan stood at the other side, effectively making it impossible to not have their backs to one of them, there’s no way they’d try anything. Then again, Ryan knows they’re not the smartest people. Between the two of them, they have very good ground even against six. Ray's a quick draw and Ryan is guaranteed to hit at least two of them. Jack quickly raises her hands, an assurance that neither of them are on her gun, and the others slowly follow suit.

“You son of a bitch, Ray,” Michael growls but he doesn't try particularly hard to get away. This might be because he's absolutely sure Ray won't shoot him or because he's absolutely sure he will.

“Everyone calm down,” Geoff insists again, carefully gesturing at Ryan a bit as well. “No one's gotta hurt anyone, okay?”

“Hey man, I asked you for help when Thadeus tried to screw me,” Ray assures Michael. “You said you couldn't risk it. What did you expect? I had to protect myself and that nerd over there.” Ryan didn’t know they knew each other but he supposes that makes sense. Michael is a pretty common name.

“You never told me you were fucking married,” Michael scoffs as if that would have made a difference.

“Well duh,” Ray shrugs. “You're an asshole and Ryan was like a soft, tender loser at the time. I didn't need you fucking with him. Which brings us to our next good point; why are you assholes fucking with my boyfriend? Only I can do that.”

“Alright, let's put the guns down first,” Geoff urges. “We can talk this out without the guns.”

“You are very mistaken if you think I don’t want to shoot you already,” Ryan assures. They've been harassing him for weeks. Ryan has thought of a lot worse things than shooting.

“Aw come on, I thought we were friends,” Geoff insists.

“Have you seen my face?” Ryan snaps irritably. Geoff opens his mouth as if to argue before having to just shrug and nod agreeably.

“Good point,” he murmurs and he turns back to Ray. “Look, freakazoid over here was after my workers. I wasn't going to let that slide. Besides, he's good material. Big, mean looking- twice as so now- and not afraid to get his hands dirty. As a bonus, he’s a hell of a liar, too. If you don't want us around him anymore, that's fine. Just say the word.”

“Yeah?” Ray replies, obviously not believing that at all. Ryan doesn’t believe it either. He tightens his grip when Michael squirms a little. “And what do you want with me?”

“Now that is a good question,” Geoff agrees. He opens his shirt a little and Ray turns his head away.

“Stop stop. Jeez, no old man strip shows. I don’t want to see your floppy tiddies, dude. Just tell me what you want,” he insists, pushing Michael away from him. Michael scoffs irritably, quickly stalking several safe steps sideways to get out of his grip and hopefully at a better angle between the two of them. Ray motions Ryan to lower his gun for now which he doesn’t somewhat reluctantly. Geoff shows off the bramble like scar on his chest.

“You did this,” he says.

“And?” Ray replies, spinning his pistol in his fingers. “What of it? I'll shoot anyone for the right price.”

“Buddy, you threaded that thing right between my ribs and like most of my organs,” Geoff assures. “The vital ones at least. You were, what? Fifteen hundred yards? Maybe more. That's not exactly a rookie shot.”

“Dude, you act like that was intentional,” Ray says blandly. “I missed. So what?”

“No you didn't, asshole,” Michael scoffs. “Don’t pull that shit.”

“What's the longest shot you've successfully made?” Geoff asks. Ray looks at him halfly, glancing at Ryan a bit before looking back. He shrugs nonchalantly.

“Nothing on record,” he assures. “Are we going to get to what you want some time tonight? If I have to kill you, I'd rather do it before we eat.” Ryan would also prefer that.

“Shut up,” Michael snaps at him. “Stop trying to be a badass. Geoff just wants you to work for him.”

“The pay’s good,” Geoff promises. He's not lying about that at least.

“I asked you for a job before,” Ray insists irritably. “Why should I take it now?”

“That wasn't me,” Geoff says. “Michael never told me you needed help with Thadeus. He had a good reason for not doing it, too, so try not to be too mad. The point is, I'm offering it now and it comes with a big pay check.”

“You said it yourself, you'll shoot anyone for the right price,” Jack reminds him, trying to ease the conversation to their favor. It’s true, Ray will do just about anything for hard cash. However, Ryan also knows there’s nothing worth the value of spite. There will always be someone offering more money.

“Ryan,” Ray says, nodding his head in his direction. “What do you think?”

“Alright wait,” Geoff says quickly. “Just because Ryan and I have had our disagreements doesn’t mean this isn't a good job.” Oh sure, now he's regretting being an annoying prick all the time.

“Wasn't asking you,” Ray assures. “Ryan?” They all look at him cautiously, obviously expecting the worst. Right now, his word is the difference between a new worker and a deadly showdown. Ryan shrugs.

“They've been keeping food on the table,” he says simply. The pay is good, after all, and it means Ray wouldn't have to go out of town as often. Plus, as much as a pain in the ass they are, there's safety in crews. There's nothing wrong with having someone watching your back. If Ryan has learned anything, it's that these guys are close and are determined to keep each other safe. Very, very close in fact. Oh. They- they're all dating, aren’t they? That makes a lot more sense in retrospect. Huh. Geoff points at him agreeably.

“Bonus. You get a bonus. I will buy you all the lobster you want,” he promises before turning back to Ray hopefully. Ray nods.

“Alright. Ryan’s a smart guy. You have yourself a deal,” he grins. Geoff holds his hand out to shake and Ray takes it politely. Again, if things go bad, it wouldn't be the first time Ray's had to wipe out an entire crew. They always have murder to fall back on. Everyone seems to let out a sigh of relief and Ryan turns to head back to his cooking.

“I still can’t believe you're married to Ryan,” Michael murmurs. “Dude’s fucking weird, man.”

“You have no idea,” Ray agrees. “Whatever. I love him. Good to see you again, though. It's been a while.”

“No shit. Years, dude,” Michael agrees. Ryan sets his gun within reach for now before returning to his cutting board to finish up his chopping. “Oh, right. This is Lindsay, you know her. Jeremy, Jack and spindly legs over there is Gavin.”

“Sup,” Ray replies. “You're the one that fucked up Ryan’s face, huh?”

“What? Well, I mean, not _intentionally_. He was in the wrong place is all,” Gavin assures. “Ah! Ow! Ah. Weak. You hit me in the nose! He hit me in the nose.”

“Yeah,” Ray laughs. “That thing's a huge fucking target.”

“Ah. Is it bleeding?” Gavin asks. “It feels like it's bleeding.”

“It's not bleeding,” Ray promises. “Come here, let me see.”

“You're gonna damn hit me again!” Gavin squawks.

“Yeah, of course,” Ray agrees. “You put like a hundred stitches in my boyfriend's face. Kinda pissed about that.”

“You are kind of a piece of shit,” Michael agrees.

“What about Geoff? Geoff's the one that's been mean to him,” Gavin complains.

“He's next,” Ray assures.

“Who’s what?” Geoff says quickly.

“Don’t worry about it,” Ray replies.

“Food's ready,” Ryan calls as he sets a stack of plates on the table. Everyone gathers into the kitchen gladly and crams around the table already not big enough for six. He doubts he's going to be entertaining this many again for a very long time. Ray watches curiously as Ryan dishes out everyone some food but he doesn't say anything at first. He looks at Ryan questioningly. Geoff pops open the bottle he brought and Jack quickly fills a few cups with cider as well as to not leave anyone out.

“Bonjour,” Ray says happily as he digs in.

“That means hello,” Ryan murmurs. “Bon appetit?” Ray shrugs comically and Ryan laughs a little. He joins the table beside his boyfriend with his own vegetarian serving as everyone else gladly begins to dig in. Even Ray waits until they've all had a few bites before mentioning anything about it. A little human flesh never hurt anyone.

“So, when are you going to tell them I'm just straight up like Hannibal Lector?” he asks and while the question is directed at Ryan, it’s very obviously meant for everyone else to hear. Jack immediately stops eating and Jeremy soon after.

“I've mentioned it, I think,” Ryan replies. “Seems like it would be kind of obvious, anyways.”

“Hannibal Lector?” Gavin repeats curiously, glancing at them. Lindsay stares at her plate.

“Yeah, like the-” Michael pauses halfway through, obviously coming to the same conclusion.

“Cannibal?” Geoff murmurs, looking down at his plate as well.

“Oh. My god,” Jeremy says.

“Oh my god!” Jack yelps. “Oh my god!”

“Oh what the fuck!” Lindsay shouts. They all lurch away from the table in the same movement, scrambling to get over each other in an urgent rush to find the bathroom. Ryan grins to himself happily as he munches on another bit of carrot. Alright, now they're even.

“You're an asshole,” Ray laughs. “Jesus Christ, dude. Even I think that's kinda evil.”

“They never asked,” Ryan assures with a nonchalant shrug. They'll definitely be asking in the future. Ray leans over to give him a little kiss and Ryan gladly pecks him on the lips. It's almost worth it that he's going to be hosing vomit off his lawn for the next week.

“What the fuck, Ryan!”


End file.
